inner voice

When i feel like to stop asking, that inner voice inside me quickly stop me, saying, He wants you to keep asking, never falter.
When i feel that i am such a lowly kind, who always anger Him, and which is why the prayer is not answered, that inner voice stops me again, saying, He is the Most Forgiven. No matter how many times you wronged Him.
When i feel like saying disappoinment, frustration, that lowest level of esteem that make you stop short and burst out crying, that inner voice once again stops me, asking me to stop self- pitying, that whatever happen was and is by the will of Him, the ultimate Maker. And Him and Him alone knows the life route, and He even plans all the life meetings, occurences. How He not know that you deeply suffer?

If only i could meet that inner voice so that we can be best friend and talk face to face. I hate fighting these demons all by myself

and He chooses

Life's test doesn not mean Allah despises you, be grateful for all the trials and tests for He tests those He loves. Cinta. Cinta dari tuhan, ArRahman, ArRahim. Don't you feel excited that your Maker choose you out of billionth of His creation, to feel ease. Undoubtedly, ease is just word until you are being tested and how would you know ease if you never being tested?

Thank you for choosing me.

To where it begins..again

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.. Ya allah berdebu sungguh blog. It has been nothing but words full of memories. Bukan tak teringin nak update, teringin. Tuhan saja tau betapa nak sangat update, so many things have been put captivated in my mind. To an extent sampai rasa nak explode pun ada. Bila bukak blog, nothing came out. Blank. Sebab tak tau nak start dari mana. Kekuatan takde. Kekuatan untuk pen down my thought and make it public. Blogging used to be one way i disseminate my thoughts so it wont bother me. That i can just simply write down about everything, and anything. But i know once i start to write again, it will all be on the gloomy side. Things that i dont want to be remembered, but not taking it out from my brain will only drive me crazy even more. Insha allah, i will try to brave myself, and to keep reassuring myself that writing is one way out from any life issues that we face.

Let's hope all is well from now on

a (very) backdated raya entry

It is always a calming kind of feeling to look back at those pictures of your little, humble crib. A sense of attachment, belonging, self-satisfaction and of course, pride and joy. If i were entrusted with digits of endless money, there are so much, so many things I want to do. But hey, you can't buy a castle in one day, can you? These were what we had for the previous Raya celebration. 

Yellow gerberas. As the curtains and sofa spelt earthy tones, yellow can brighten the living room.

serenity

For the round table, i opted for lilies and pink gerberas.

5-word Tuesday. Or whatevs

Craving. A super craving mode.

Bubbai 2014

Brrrr.. It's freezing cold in gambang. Like, gila sejuk. Pagi pagi mandi macam kena electrocuted. Ice bucket challenge what you sayyyyy? Nih bergelen gelen ice bucket punya shower. I have to wear socks in my house. Humphrey pulak sekarang ni kalau nak tido je, nak naik atas katil mengendeng- ngendeng tepi kaki takpun tepi my body. Nak tumpang heat lah tu. tapi sedap jugak peluk dia time time sejuk ni. Panassss je. Yang penting peluk dia tak haroommmm. Koh koh koh

Since it is freaking freezing in gambang, badan pun jadik cepat lapar. Since i kurang lemak, mula la mulut rasa nak ngunyah cekelat la, roti paun la, buboq labu la. Nasib baik ada neighbour best. Nama dia elsa ( tapi dia takde olaf ;))). Selalu kasik i foodies. Hari tu anak dia pagi pagi dah ketuk pintu rumah i nak kasik lamb chop. Kelas kau elsa. Brekfast ongputeh sangat makan lamb chop dengan fries. Lepas tu semalam dinner she gave me bubur labu. Nomnomnom! Food stock has to be replenished soon. Food yang senang nak kunyah kunyah. Hope the weather is soon going to be okay. It is still raining, heavily sometimes. I really wanted to go to kl but just take a look at how LPT looks like now!! Gila tenggelam highway. You have to literally ride a boat to get to the other side of the road. ;((. I just miss going back to kl.;(

On the other note, it will be 2015 in a day. I wish nothing but dirahmati Tuhan yang Maha Kuasa. Not only to me, but to all the beloved. God has the reasons why they still love me regardless how crappy it has been for me this 2014.

Love and let love in.

December and it is not just a month

Betullah cakap orang tua, berat mata memandang , berat lagi bahu memikul. Being a pahang citizen, i am indeed part of those who are involved in the flood catastrophe. Maybe just 30 to 40 % affected, but it is more than enough. 12 tahun menghidu udara pahang, 2 tahun Allah turunkan ujian banjir yang besar untuk kami rakyat pahang. Usah dibanding tahun mana yang lebih terkesan, kerana consequences sama, be it physical, emosi, tenaga, wang ringgit.

Tahun ni it is another wave of flood. Spared pahang, but affected kelantan critically. Masa the first wave of flood came, mama was with me. Hujan tk berhenti henti mencurah dari pagi. No thunders, no storms, no lightning, just gushes of water. In fact rain had been unstoppable since mama, abah and i arrived in kuantan from kl, prior to aten' s wedding in kl, a week ago. Jadi just imagine. Seminggu hujan tak berhenti henti turun. I was already fidgeting inside. I knew that if it didn't stop, the worst case would follow. Mama made decision to stay another week and decided to just book a flight tix from malindo. ( amazing that malindo now flies to subang , and i got more choices of going home instead of just hopping on MAS;).

It was early Monday morning. A heavily raining morning indeed. A couple of friends had been texted me through whatsapp, asking the condition of weather in gambang. You see, there is one area kat jalan gambang ni, yang tanah dia agak landai, macam berlopak sikit. Eh bukan sikit, but major landai jugak. Kalau human memanjang, this is the first area di gambang yang akan affected dulu. And not helping that to get to my college, ini di consider sebagai main route. Banjir tahun 2013, jalan gambang dekat sawmill ni yang kena tutup dulu. Looking at the unstoppable rain that day, i was negatively confident that jalan sawmill tu dah naik air. Mama dah start to have second thought of going home. Yes she was scared i couldn't make it back to college after sending her to the airport. But i assured her that the road will be ok, that i could see few incoming cars from the guard post ( indicating that the road is safe and not submerged underwater, hence the cars).

I never drove so slow in my entire life. But upon entering the road ( which basically was a mere km from my college), heart started to pound. Entahla, i wasn' t that confident, and I am not a person yang tidak confident bila bawak kereta. Not to brag, tapi insha allah saya pemandu berhemah ( minus the phone texting habit*gulp*). Pukul 715 kami dah start keluar rumah, to catch mama's 9.15 am flight. Awal gila, tapi biasala, mama *ehem* kami memang suka pegi awal :).

Okay, so depan sawmill memang dah submerge, tapi still passable by vehicles. Tu pun lane putih tengah jalan dah tak nampak. Thank god there were less car on the road, so i managed to drive in the middle of the road, sebab kiri kanan memang ada longkang. Takut pulak. A second before my car hit the water, mama voiced out her worry and she asked for a turn back. But of course i braced myself
( and the car) and terus hit the water.. I tau mama dah tak senang duduk, and not helping that satu perumahan kat kawasan airport tu memang dah naik air. Dah tenggelam jalan utama. Satu kereta wira ni kat jalan masuk taman ni air dah tahap tingkap kereta. Aku telan air liur. Dalam hati , yes, rasa nak patah balik and bawak mama balik semula ke gambang.

It was a bit solemn at the airport. Lepas mama checked her bag in, kami duduk kat kerusi di airport tu. I took out my phone and there it was, berbelas belas unread whatsapp messages.

*jalan sawmill dah naik air*
*kami tak berani nak redah. Banyak kereta stop tepi jalan. diorang pun tak berani. Air macam dalam*

i looked at my watch, 8.20 am. Dalam jangkamasa yang tak sampai sejam tu, berpuluh kereta terkandas. Semua tak berani nak lepas air. I know the level of water had risen. Memang ada kereta yang lepas, but it was kamikaze.
I was silent, seating besides mama at the airport all i wanted to do was to hug her. hati tuhan saja yg tahu. Each text that kept beeping didn't help either, semuanya dengan terrifying updates.

*olin, kami dah patah balik, semua berkumpul di masjid gambang termasuk KJ*
(KJ is ketua jabatan), which meant only one thing, now everyone was stranded. Nobody was spared,not even the boss.

*kami semua dah park kereta dekat masjid gambang. Air makin naik*
*bas kolej akan ambik kat masjid, ko datang parking kat sini. Kita naik bas*

things were getting serious. The road was now only passable by the heavy load. The bus, the lorry. I looked at mama, told her that i wanted to go back to college and walked her right to the scanning counter. And we hugged, i kissed her hands, her cheeks and by the time i let her go, we were both crying. I never felt so helpless,  so alone, so scared like this.  I have no idea where this crazy hormones came in, but i was so terrified, and i was always the strong n brave one.

I drove back to gambang, with the only sound coming from my heartbeat and the wiper. It was dark and misty, the scene reminiscene of Twilight. And here we were, finally, on the dreaded route. I noticed the number of cars were more thn usual. Especially on the roadside. People parked their cars
and just watched the road. Maybe to witness the cars that unluckily stranded and submerged underwater. I clicked on the signal and stopped at the roadside. I was deliberating.

* boleh cuba lalu belakang lori, tapi jangan tukar gear. *

i seriously can't remember who texted that but i was keen to try. There was no time to waste. I can't be forever stranded here. I can't just ditch my car n hop on the bus. I live in the college. That is not
my only workplace but my home too. I just had to go home. Only god knows when the condition gets better. But what if it doesn't?. I saw the the oncoming bas, rapid kuantan to be exact. Approaching slowly, with its lights on. I clasped my fingers tightly on the steering. I never felt so determined like this. This is it. Gear two,pedal slowly tekan minyak and i was behind the bus, like really behind. The bus kind of giving way to my car, directing water away from my route. But, it stopped suddenly! Boleh tak bus tu stop, in the middle of the water sebab bagi jalan for the cars on the other side untuk jalan dulu??? Oh my oh my oh my. Stay calm , don't get panicky, keep pushing minyak. But coud i?? If tekan minyak meaning aku cium bontot bas. Mulut tak berhenti zikir. Paniknya aku hanya tuhan yg tahu. Air kiri kanan berkocak deras. Setiap kali kereta on the right lane passed my car, i can feel kereta aku bergegar. Then, the bus proceeded and i pushed the gas. Alhamdulilah, walaupun dalam air, walaupun aku tukar gear, my dearest terus laju melawan arus. And lepas tu memang hit area yang landai tu, separuh kereta ke 3/4 kereta kot dalam air. And bila sampai daratan, i was shaking, to know that i escaped safely. Ya allah..thank you for not letting me stranded. Thank you for guiding me home.

And after that, as we all know now, kelantan, terengganu n of course pahang are hit terribly by the flood. Kelantan, being the state affected the worst. It took me a week to stay inside, tak berani lagi nak harung air banjir mcm tu. still boleh rasa the splashes of water, the tremor inside the car. After a few days when the news reported the road in kuantan is reachable, baru aku berani drive keluar. And how bad the condition is in kuantan n nearby areas, berpuluh kali or beratus kali lagi teruk area kat kelantan. I had to choke tears watching kampung kampung , rumah papan semua tenggelam dalam
air. That is flood aftermath. Nak surut pun ambik masa. Kereta kereta masih banyak lagi parking on the roadside. Maybe takut ada waves of flood lagi. Sumpah, tengok sendiri keadaan banjir dan being in the condition , walaupun hanya 20 %, sungguh memberi kesan. I can't imagine those people in remote areas in kelantan, the unreachable places, yang susah nak dpt bantuan. Tak boleh imagine kena mengharung air yang usah diambil remeh arus dan kedalaman. Tak boleh imagine duduk dalam gelap bila elektrik shut down, all by myself, dikeliling air. Tak boleh imagine terpaksa lari naik atas bukit nak selamatkan diri where nowhere else is safe. Tak boleh imagine terpaksa catu makanan or worst yet, terpaksa berlapar, dalam gelap, dalam sejuk hujan, dalam sunyi.
 Tak boleh imagine terputus hubungan dengan mak ayah, adik adik, semuanya berpecah pecah tak tahu untung nasib, entahkan masih bernyawa atau sebaliknya. Ya allah, sungguh aku tak mampu..

Sungguh, entry ini hanya entry untuk penuhkan blog. The longest entry by far. Entry yang tidak ada istilah worth reading. Tapi entry ini entry untuk aku, untuk rasa menyerah, untuk rasa tunduk,untuk 
rasa akur pada Dia, Yang Maha Menguasai



Sungguh, this is by far, my longest entry in the blog. Entry yang hanya ada rasa ketakutan, rasa tunduk, rasa mn

I know this is by far the