When i feel like to stop asking, that inner voice inside me quickly stop me, saying, He wants you to keep asking, never falter.
When i feel that i am such a lowly kind, who always anger Him, and which is why the prayer is not answered, that inner voice stops me again, saying, He is the Most Forgiven. No matter how many times you wronged Him.
When i feel like saying disappoinment, frustration, that lowest level of esteem that make you stop short and burst out crying, that inner voice once again stops me, asking me to stop self- pitying, that whatever happen was and is by the will of Him, the ultimate Maker. And Him and Him alone knows the life route, and He even plans all the life meetings, occurences. How He not know that you deeply suffer?
If only i could meet that inner voice so that we can be best friend and talk face to face. I hate fighting these demons all by myself
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Monday, June 06, 2016
and He chooses
Life's test doesn not mean Allah despises you, be grateful for all the trials and tests for He tests those He loves. Cinta. Cinta dari tuhan, ArRahman, ArRahim. Don't you feel excited that your Maker choose you out of billionth of His creation, to feel ease. Undoubtedly, ease is just word until you are being tested and how would you know ease if you never being tested?
Thank you for choosing me.
Thank you for choosing me.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
To where it begins..again
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.. Ya allah berdebu sungguh blog. It has been nothing but words full of memories. Bukan tak teringin nak update, teringin. Tuhan saja tau betapa nak sangat update, so many things have been put captivated in my mind. To an extent sampai rasa nak explode pun ada. Bila bukak blog, nothing came out. Blank. Sebab tak tau nak start dari mana. Kekuatan takde. Kekuatan untuk pen down my thought and make it public. Blogging used to be one way i disseminate my thoughts so it wont bother me. That i can just simply write down about everything, and anything. But i know once i start to write again, it will all be on the gloomy side. Things that i dont want to be remembered, but not taking it out from my brain will only drive me crazy even more. Insha allah, i will try to brave myself, and to keep reassuring myself that writing is one way out from any life issues that we face.
Let's hope all is well from now on
Let's hope all is well from now on
Wednesday, September 30, 2015
a (very) backdated raya entry
It is always a calming kind of feeling to look back at those pictures of your little, humble crib. A sense of attachment, belonging, self-satisfaction and of course, pride and joy. If i were entrusted with digits of endless money, there are so much, so many things I want to do. But hey, you can't buy a castle in one day, can you? These were what we had for the previous Raya celebration.
 |
| Yellow gerberas. As the curtains and sofa spelt earthy tones, yellow can brighten the living room. |
 |
| serenity |
 | ||||
For the round table, i opted for lilies and pink gerberas.
|
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Friday, January 02, 2015
Bubbai 2014
Brrrr.. It's freezing cold in gambang. Like, gila sejuk. Pagi pagi mandi macam kena electrocuted. Ice bucket challenge what you sayyyyy? Nih bergelen gelen ice bucket punya shower. I have to wear socks in my house. Humphrey pulak sekarang ni kalau nak tido je, nak naik atas katil mengendeng- ngendeng tepi kaki takpun tepi my body. Nak tumpang heat lah tu. tapi sedap jugak peluk dia time time sejuk ni. Panassss je. Yang penting peluk dia tak haroommmm. Koh koh koh
Since it is freaking freezing in gambang, badan pun jadik cepat lapar. Since i kurang lemak, mula la mulut rasa nak ngunyah cekelat la, roti paun la, buboq labu la. Nasib baik ada neighbour best. Nama dia elsa ( tapi dia takde olaf ;))). Selalu kasik i foodies. Hari tu anak dia pagi pagi dah ketuk pintu rumah i nak kasik lamb chop. Kelas kau elsa. Brekfast ongputeh sangat makan lamb chop dengan fries. Lepas tu semalam dinner she gave me bubur labu. Nomnomnom! Food stock has to be replenished soon. Food yang senang nak kunyah kunyah. Hope the weather is soon going to be okay. It is still raining, heavily sometimes. I really wanted to go to kl but just take a look at how LPT looks like now!! Gila tenggelam highway. You have to literally ride a boat to get to the other side of the road. ;((. I just miss going back to kl.;(
On the other note, it will be 2015 in a day. I wish nothing but dirahmati Tuhan yang Maha Kuasa. Not only to me, but to all the beloved. God has the reasons why they still love me regardless how crappy it has been for me this 2014.
Love and let love in.
Since it is freaking freezing in gambang, badan pun jadik cepat lapar. Since i kurang lemak, mula la mulut rasa nak ngunyah cekelat la, roti paun la, buboq labu la. Nasib baik ada neighbour best. Nama dia elsa ( tapi dia takde olaf ;))). Selalu kasik i foodies. Hari tu anak dia pagi pagi dah ketuk pintu rumah i nak kasik lamb chop. Kelas kau elsa. Brekfast ongputeh sangat makan lamb chop dengan fries. Lepas tu semalam dinner she gave me bubur labu. Nomnomnom! Food stock has to be replenished soon. Food yang senang nak kunyah kunyah. Hope the weather is soon going to be okay. It is still raining, heavily sometimes. I really wanted to go to kl but just take a look at how LPT looks like now!! Gila tenggelam highway. You have to literally ride a boat to get to the other side of the road. ;((. I just miss going back to kl.;(
On the other note, it will be 2015 in a day. I wish nothing but dirahmati Tuhan yang Maha Kuasa. Not only to me, but to all the beloved. God has the reasons why they still love me regardless how crappy it has been for me this 2014.
Love and let love in.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
December and it is not just a month
Betullah cakap orang tua, berat mata memandang , berat lagi bahu memikul. Being a pahang citizen, i am indeed part of those who are involved in the flood catastrophe. Maybe just 30 to 40 % affected, but it is more than enough. 12 tahun menghidu udara pahang, 2 tahun Allah turunkan ujian banjir yang besar untuk kami rakyat pahang. Usah dibanding tahun mana yang lebih terkesan, kerana consequences sama, be it physical, emosi, tenaga, wang ringgit.
Tahun ni it is another wave of flood. Spared pahang, but affected kelantan critically. Masa the first wave of flood came, mama was with me. Hujan tk berhenti henti mencurah dari pagi. No thunders, no storms, no lightning, just gushes of water. In fact rain had been unstoppable since mama, abah and i arrived in kuantan from kl, prior to aten' s wedding in kl, a week ago. Jadi just imagine. Seminggu hujan tak berhenti henti turun. I was already fidgeting inside. I knew that if it didn't stop, the worst case would follow. Mama made decision to stay another week and decided to just book a flight tix from malindo. ( amazing that malindo now flies to subang , and i got more choices of going home instead of just hopping on MAS;).
It was early Monday morning. A heavily raining morning indeed. A couple of friends had been texted me through whatsapp, asking the condition of weather in gambang. You see, there is one area kat jalan gambang ni, yang tanah dia agak landai, macam berlopak sikit. Eh bukan sikit, but major landai jugak. Kalau human memanjang, this is the first area di gambang yang akan affected dulu. And not helping that to get to my college, ini di consider sebagai main route. Banjir tahun 2013, jalan gambang dekat sawmill ni yang kena tutup dulu. Looking at the unstoppable rain that day, i was negatively confident that jalan sawmill tu dah naik air. Mama dah start to have second thought of going home. Yes she was scared i couldn't make it back to college after sending her to the airport. But i assured her that the road will be ok, that i could see few incoming cars from the guard post ( indicating that the road is safe and not submerged underwater, hence the cars).
I never drove so slow in my entire life. But upon entering the road ( which basically was a mere km from my college), heart started to pound. Entahla, i wasn' t that confident, and I am not a person yang tidak confident bila bawak kereta. Not to brag, tapi insha allah saya pemandu berhemah ( minus the phone texting habit*gulp*). Pukul 715 kami dah start keluar rumah, to catch mama's 9.15 am flight. Awal gila, tapi biasala, mama *ehem* kami memang suka pegi awal :).
Okay, so depan sawmill memang dah submerge, tapi still passable by vehicles. Tu pun lane putih tengah jalan dah tak nampak. Thank god there were less car on the road, so i managed to drive in the middle of the road, sebab kiri kanan memang ada longkang. Takut pulak. A second before my car hit the water, mama voiced out her worry and she asked for a turn back. But of course i braced myself
( and the car) and terus hit the water.. I tau mama dah tak senang duduk, and not helping that satu perumahan kat kawasan airport tu memang dah naik air. Dah tenggelam jalan utama. Satu kereta wira ni kat jalan masuk taman ni air dah tahap tingkap kereta. Aku telan air liur. Dalam hati , yes, rasa nak patah balik and bawak mama balik semula ke gambang.
It was a bit solemn at the airport. Lepas mama checked her bag in, kami duduk kat kerusi di airport tu. I took out my phone and there it was, berbelas belas unread whatsapp messages.
*jalan sawmill dah naik air*
*kami tak berani nak redah. Banyak kereta stop tepi jalan. diorang pun tak berani. Air macam dalam*
i looked at my watch, 8.20 am. Dalam jangkamasa yang tak sampai sejam tu, berpuluh kereta terkandas. Semua tak berani nak lepas air. I know the level of water had risen. Memang ada kereta yang lepas, but it was kamikaze.
I was silent, seating besides mama at the airport all i wanted to do was to hug her. hati tuhan saja yg tahu. Each text that kept beeping didn't help either, semuanya dengan terrifying updates.
*olin, kami dah patah balik, semua berkumpul di masjid gambang termasuk KJ*
(KJ is ketua jabatan), which meant only one thing, now everyone was stranded. Nobody was spared,not even the boss.
*kami semua dah park kereta dekat masjid gambang. Air makin naik*
*bas kolej akan ambik kat masjid, ko datang parking kat sini. Kita naik bas*
things were getting serious. The road was now only passable by the heavy load. The bus, the lorry. I looked at mama, told her that i wanted to go back to college and walked her right to the scanning counter. And we hugged, i kissed her hands, her cheeks and by the time i let her go, we were both crying. I never felt so helpless, so alone, so scared like this. I have no idea where this crazy hormones came in, but i was so terrified, and i was always the strong n brave one.
I drove back to gambang, with the only sound coming from my heartbeat and the wiper. It was dark and misty, the scene reminiscene of Twilight. And here we were, finally, on the dreaded route. I noticed the number of cars were more thn usual. Especially on the roadside. People parked their cars
and just watched the road. Maybe to witness the cars that unluckily stranded and submerged underwater. I clicked on the signal and stopped at the roadside. I was deliberating.
* boleh cuba lalu belakang lori, tapi jangan tukar gear. *
i seriously can't remember who texted that but i was keen to try. There was no time to waste. I can't be forever stranded here. I can't just ditch my car n hop on the bus. I live in the college. That is not
my only workplace but my home too. I just had to go home. Only god knows when the condition gets better. But what if it doesn't?. I saw the the oncoming bas, rapid kuantan to be exact. Approaching slowly, with its lights on. I clasped my fingers tightly on the steering. I never felt so determined like this. This is it. Gear two,pedal slowly tekan minyak and i was behind the bus, like really behind. The bus kind of giving way to my car, directing water away from my route. But, it stopped suddenly! Boleh tak bus tu stop, in the middle of the water sebab bagi jalan for the cars on the other side untuk jalan dulu??? Oh my oh my oh my. Stay calm , don't get panicky, keep pushing minyak. But coud i?? If tekan minyak meaning aku cium bontot bas. Mulut tak berhenti zikir. Paniknya aku hanya tuhan yg tahu. Air kiri kanan berkocak deras. Setiap kali kereta on the right lane passed my car, i can feel kereta aku bergegar. Then, the bus proceeded and i pushed the gas. Alhamdulilah, walaupun dalam air, walaupun aku tukar gear, my dearest terus laju melawan arus. And lepas tu memang hit area yang landai tu, separuh kereta ke 3/4 kereta kot dalam air. And bila sampai daratan, i was shaking, to know that i escaped safely. Ya allah..thank you for not letting me stranded. Thank you for guiding me home.
And after that, as we all know now, kelantan, terengganu n of course pahang are hit terribly by the flood. Kelantan, being the state affected the worst. It took me a week to stay inside, tak berani lagi nak harung air banjir mcm tu. still boleh rasa the splashes of water, the tremor inside the car. After a few days when the news reported the road in kuantan is reachable, baru aku berani drive keluar. And how bad the condition is in kuantan n nearby areas, berpuluh kali or beratus kali lagi teruk area kat kelantan. I had to choke tears watching kampung kampung , rumah papan semua tenggelam dalam
air. That is flood aftermath. Nak surut pun ambik masa. Kereta kereta masih banyak lagi parking on the roadside. Maybe takut ada waves of flood lagi. Sumpah, tengok sendiri keadaan banjir dan being in the condition , walaupun hanya 20 %, sungguh memberi kesan. I can't imagine those people in remote areas in kelantan, the unreachable places, yang susah nak dpt bantuan. Tak boleh imagine kena mengharung air yang usah diambil remeh arus dan kedalaman. Tak boleh imagine duduk dalam gelap bila elektrik shut down, all by myself, dikeliling air. Tak boleh imagine terpaksa lari naik atas bukit nak selamatkan diri where nowhere else is safe. Tak boleh imagine terpaksa catu makanan or worst yet, terpaksa berlapar, dalam gelap, dalam sejuk hujan, dalam sunyi.
Tak boleh imagine terputus hubungan dengan mak ayah, adik adik, semuanya berpecah pecah tak tahu untung nasib, entahkan masih bernyawa atau sebaliknya. Ya allah, sungguh aku tak mampu..
Sungguh, entry ini hanya entry untuk penuhkan blog. The longest entry by far. Entry yang tidak ada istilah worth reading. Tapi entry ini entry untuk aku, untuk rasa menyerah, untuk rasa tunduk,untuk
rasa akur pada Dia, Yang Maha Menguasai
Sungguh, this is by far, my longest entry in the blog. Entry yang hanya ada rasa ketakutan, rasa tunduk, rasa mn
I know this is by far the
Tahun ni it is another wave of flood. Spared pahang, but affected kelantan critically. Masa the first wave of flood came, mama was with me. Hujan tk berhenti henti mencurah dari pagi. No thunders, no storms, no lightning, just gushes of water. In fact rain had been unstoppable since mama, abah and i arrived in kuantan from kl, prior to aten' s wedding in kl, a week ago. Jadi just imagine. Seminggu hujan tak berhenti henti turun. I was already fidgeting inside. I knew that if it didn't stop, the worst case would follow. Mama made decision to stay another week and decided to just book a flight tix from malindo. ( amazing that malindo now flies to subang , and i got more choices of going home instead of just hopping on MAS;).
It was early Monday morning. A heavily raining morning indeed. A couple of friends had been texted me through whatsapp, asking the condition of weather in gambang. You see, there is one area kat jalan gambang ni, yang tanah dia agak landai, macam berlopak sikit. Eh bukan sikit, but major landai jugak. Kalau human memanjang, this is the first area di gambang yang akan affected dulu. And not helping that to get to my college, ini di consider sebagai main route. Banjir tahun 2013, jalan gambang dekat sawmill ni yang kena tutup dulu. Looking at the unstoppable rain that day, i was negatively confident that jalan sawmill tu dah naik air. Mama dah start to have second thought of going home. Yes she was scared i couldn't make it back to college after sending her to the airport. But i assured her that the road will be ok, that i could see few incoming cars from the guard post ( indicating that the road is safe and not submerged underwater, hence the cars).
I never drove so slow in my entire life. But upon entering the road ( which basically was a mere km from my college), heart started to pound. Entahla, i wasn' t that confident, and I am not a person yang tidak confident bila bawak kereta. Not to brag, tapi insha allah saya pemandu berhemah ( minus the phone texting habit*gulp*). Pukul 715 kami dah start keluar rumah, to catch mama's 9.15 am flight. Awal gila, tapi biasala, mama *ehem* kami memang suka pegi awal :).
Okay, so depan sawmill memang dah submerge, tapi still passable by vehicles. Tu pun lane putih tengah jalan dah tak nampak. Thank god there were less car on the road, so i managed to drive in the middle of the road, sebab kiri kanan memang ada longkang. Takut pulak. A second before my car hit the water, mama voiced out her worry and she asked for a turn back. But of course i braced myself
( and the car) and terus hit the water.. I tau mama dah tak senang duduk, and not helping that satu perumahan kat kawasan airport tu memang dah naik air. Dah tenggelam jalan utama. Satu kereta wira ni kat jalan masuk taman ni air dah tahap tingkap kereta. Aku telan air liur. Dalam hati , yes, rasa nak patah balik and bawak mama balik semula ke gambang.
It was a bit solemn at the airport. Lepas mama checked her bag in, kami duduk kat kerusi di airport tu. I took out my phone and there it was, berbelas belas unread whatsapp messages.
*jalan sawmill dah naik air*
*kami tak berani nak redah. Banyak kereta stop tepi jalan. diorang pun tak berani. Air macam dalam*
i looked at my watch, 8.20 am. Dalam jangkamasa yang tak sampai sejam tu, berpuluh kereta terkandas. Semua tak berani nak lepas air. I know the level of water had risen. Memang ada kereta yang lepas, but it was kamikaze.
I was silent, seating besides mama at the airport all i wanted to do was to hug her. hati tuhan saja yg tahu. Each text that kept beeping didn't help either, semuanya dengan terrifying updates.
*olin, kami dah patah balik, semua berkumpul di masjid gambang termasuk KJ*
(KJ is ketua jabatan), which meant only one thing, now everyone was stranded. Nobody was spared,not even the boss.
*kami semua dah park kereta dekat masjid gambang. Air makin naik*
*bas kolej akan ambik kat masjid, ko datang parking kat sini. Kita naik bas*
things were getting serious. The road was now only passable by the heavy load. The bus, the lorry. I looked at mama, told her that i wanted to go back to college and walked her right to the scanning counter. And we hugged, i kissed her hands, her cheeks and by the time i let her go, we were both crying. I never felt so helpless, so alone, so scared like this. I have no idea where this crazy hormones came in, but i was so terrified, and i was always the strong n brave one.
I drove back to gambang, with the only sound coming from my heartbeat and the wiper. It was dark and misty, the scene reminiscene of Twilight. And here we were, finally, on the dreaded route. I noticed the number of cars were more thn usual. Especially on the roadside. People parked their cars
and just watched the road. Maybe to witness the cars that unluckily stranded and submerged underwater. I clicked on the signal and stopped at the roadside. I was deliberating.
* boleh cuba lalu belakang lori, tapi jangan tukar gear. *
i seriously can't remember who texted that but i was keen to try. There was no time to waste. I can't be forever stranded here. I can't just ditch my car n hop on the bus. I live in the college. That is not
my only workplace but my home too. I just had to go home. Only god knows when the condition gets better. But what if it doesn't?. I saw the the oncoming bas, rapid kuantan to be exact. Approaching slowly, with its lights on. I clasped my fingers tightly on the steering. I never felt so determined like this. This is it. Gear two,pedal slowly tekan minyak and i was behind the bus, like really behind. The bus kind of giving way to my car, directing water away from my route. But, it stopped suddenly! Boleh tak bus tu stop, in the middle of the water sebab bagi jalan for the cars on the other side untuk jalan dulu??? Oh my oh my oh my. Stay calm , don't get panicky, keep pushing minyak. But coud i?? If tekan minyak meaning aku cium bontot bas. Mulut tak berhenti zikir. Paniknya aku hanya tuhan yg tahu. Air kiri kanan berkocak deras. Setiap kali kereta on the right lane passed my car, i can feel kereta aku bergegar. Then, the bus proceeded and i pushed the gas. Alhamdulilah, walaupun dalam air, walaupun aku tukar gear, my dearest terus laju melawan arus. And lepas tu memang hit area yang landai tu, separuh kereta ke 3/4 kereta kot dalam air. And bila sampai daratan, i was shaking, to know that i escaped safely. Ya allah..thank you for not letting me stranded. Thank you for guiding me home.
And after that, as we all know now, kelantan, terengganu n of course pahang are hit terribly by the flood. Kelantan, being the state affected the worst. It took me a week to stay inside, tak berani lagi nak harung air banjir mcm tu. still boleh rasa the splashes of water, the tremor inside the car. After a few days when the news reported the road in kuantan is reachable, baru aku berani drive keluar. And how bad the condition is in kuantan n nearby areas, berpuluh kali or beratus kali lagi teruk area kat kelantan. I had to choke tears watching kampung kampung , rumah papan semua tenggelam dalam
air. That is flood aftermath. Nak surut pun ambik masa. Kereta kereta masih banyak lagi parking on the roadside. Maybe takut ada waves of flood lagi. Sumpah, tengok sendiri keadaan banjir dan being in the condition , walaupun hanya 20 %, sungguh memberi kesan. I can't imagine those people in remote areas in kelantan, the unreachable places, yang susah nak dpt bantuan. Tak boleh imagine kena mengharung air yang usah diambil remeh arus dan kedalaman. Tak boleh imagine duduk dalam gelap bila elektrik shut down, all by myself, dikeliling air. Tak boleh imagine terpaksa lari naik atas bukit nak selamatkan diri where nowhere else is safe. Tak boleh imagine terpaksa catu makanan or worst yet, terpaksa berlapar, dalam gelap, dalam sejuk hujan, dalam sunyi.
Tak boleh imagine terputus hubungan dengan mak ayah, adik adik, semuanya berpecah pecah tak tahu untung nasib, entahkan masih bernyawa atau sebaliknya. Ya allah, sungguh aku tak mampu..
Sungguh, entry ini hanya entry untuk penuhkan blog. The longest entry by far. Entry yang tidak ada istilah worth reading. Tapi entry ini entry untuk aku, untuk rasa menyerah, untuk rasa tunduk,untuk
rasa akur pada Dia, Yang Maha Menguasai
Sungguh, this is by far, my longest entry in the blog. Entry yang hanya ada rasa ketakutan, rasa tunduk, rasa mn
I know this is by far the
Saturday, December 06, 2014
Shine
Heyy im back. Fresh, rejuvenated and totally put everything else unimportant in the garbage bin. Disposing all toxicity . Insha allah, the sun shines afterall.
Friday, October 31, 2014
retaliate
Mama selalu bagitau, do good to others, even you get the worst from them. Jangan retaliate, because it would not help any wars. Biarlah apa orang nak buat kat kita, yang penting kita just keep calm and smile (despite jiwa memberontak untuk membalas, kan mama?)
But that shows how weak you are, for not retaliating. For not taking revenge for whatever bad people do on you. Kenapa nak biar? Kenapa nak let yourself dipijak pijak and being abused emotionally?
So I asked mama. And I guess she does not have to answer that because I get the answer for that myself.
Sebab tak membalas bukan bermaksud lemah. Bukan bermaksud kalah. Bukan bermaksud salah.
Tak membalas itu melenyapkan amarah. Biarlah.
Bukan lama kita nak hidup di dunia pun. And I have learned to forgive and I learnt to ask for forgiveness.
Semoga diterimaNya.
But that shows how weak you are, for not retaliating. For not taking revenge for whatever bad people do on you. Kenapa nak biar? Kenapa nak let yourself dipijak pijak and being abused emotionally?
So I asked mama. And I guess she does not have to answer that because I get the answer for that myself.
Sebab tak membalas bukan bermaksud lemah. Bukan bermaksud kalah. Bukan bermaksud salah.
Tak membalas itu melenyapkan amarah. Biarlah.
Bukan lama kita nak hidup di dunia pun. And I have learned to forgive and I learnt to ask for forgiveness.
Semoga diterimaNya.
Wednesday, July 02, 2014
puding raja
 |
| total yummy and diabetic-prone |
So, what's with this puding raja craziness you ask? Because the main filling are bananas! I can never say no to banana, you know that right? And it is not a sebarangan type of pisang, normally the use of pisang lemak manis is given priority. That yellow stuffs are jala emas ( made from telur itik kot, am not too sure), then decorate with prunes, pistachios, chopped cherries. Puding raja is to be eaten together with the sauce, the custard sauce. Sedapnyaaaa ampunnn!
And another thing that makes it so special is the unavailability of it. I mean, it is normally ordered and prepared for events and now this, at pasar ramadan. It might be sold elsewhere, everyday but to find a good puding raja is rather tricky. Every year, without fail, puding raja hunting at Kuantan Pasar Ramadan is a must and it will always be the same stall each year, the one from Pekan. Priced at RM 5 each per container. Mahal? Shut your eyes and just appreciate the flavour :)
Baby is a month or two
How do i start? I know my blog has been keeping dust and yes I do not have any concrete reasons for not blogging. I have lots of my spare time but I just don't feel to put it into words. Words are cheap. They are somehow expressionless. And I gain my way of being expressive which I rather not disclose here.
So July comes. How time flies. And now we are in the beginning of Holy Ramadan, trying to gather and reach His love and pahala. I know I haven't been a good servant of Him, and I have done countless of mistakes and things I regret, but to know He always keeps the eyes on me and to know that He cares, it soothes even the most infuriated part of me. Oh talking about Ramadan, mama and abah are officially fasting and break fasting at that new address. Mama has been feeding me with lots of pixies, things she bought, what she did and so forth. I think she is more than happy to decorate the house when I am not there because she can let her creative juice flow. Which unlike me, I can be one hell a stressed out tenant just thinking of the color of the curtain. Mama must be rolling her eyes every time I spluttered the idea and concept of the house. Yeah, been repeating to her about the concept millionth of times hahaha. Work has taken a toll on me, I could not really go back and see my baby. Only got the chance to have the sleepover there once! Itupun after the kenduri tahlil and doa selamat, where the house was basically empty with no furniture.
I've been meaning to blog more about this baby of mine but I am pretty much rather read my mom's. So Raya is going to be here, at this new address and likely Aten's wedding too. He, with the grey wall and the rooftop, is barely a year and yet is about to host a few events. Alhamdulilah :). Be blog about this later okay, maybe on the prep and the things I bought. Or maybe not. Hahaha. saya malas. Ok bai
So July comes. How time flies. And now we are in the beginning of Holy Ramadan, trying to gather and reach His love and pahala. I know I haven't been a good servant of Him, and I have done countless of mistakes and things I regret, but to know He always keeps the eyes on me and to know that He cares, it soothes even the most infuriated part of me. Oh talking about Ramadan, mama and abah are officially fasting and break fasting at that new address. Mama has been feeding me with lots of pixies, things she bought, what she did and so forth. I think she is more than happy to decorate the house when I am not there because she can let her creative juice flow. Which unlike me, I can be one hell a stressed out tenant just thinking of the color of the curtain. Mama must be rolling her eyes every time I spluttered the idea and concept of the house. Yeah, been repeating to her about the concept millionth of times hahaha. Work has taken a toll on me, I could not really go back and see my baby. Only got the chance to have the sleepover there once! Itupun after the kenduri tahlil and doa selamat, where the house was basically empty with no furniture.
 |
| this is the view. the new view. |
I've been meaning to blog more about this baby of mine but I am pretty much rather read my mom's. So Raya is going to be here, at this new address and likely Aten's wedding too. He, with the grey wall and the rooftop, is barely a year and yet is about to host a few events. Alhamdulilah :). Be blog about this later okay, maybe on the prep and the things I bought. Or maybe not. Hahaha. saya malas. Ok bai
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Wanting is just word
In life, where choices and options are aplenty, you will be torn to choose between the wants and the needs. Ironically, the things you want will overrule everything you need. Very little fact that we will be granted both. You have to choose, and to choose is indeed the most excruciating task.
Between everything i want and anything i need, i will just have to choose.
And i choose His choice, and i am contented.
I know i will.
Between everything i want and anything i need, i will just have to choose.
And i choose His choice, and i am contented.
I know i will.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
Saturday, December 07, 2013
Kiss the rain
It has been been gloomy days in kuantan. The rain stopped 2 days ago and comes again visiting. Was typing this and looking out the glass door, watching those unstoppable rain. Dont feel like doing anything but to stay inside, put the thick clothes, or yet wear his white shirt. Only had my first cup of coffee and a small box of cornflakes to start the day. Maybe later, if the feeling arises, would be heading to the kitchen and whipping something simple.
Humphrey has been such an adorable company lately. Been jumping on my bed quite so often now. And he has his own spot on the couch next to mine. Like he knows how i hate to be left alone. And how i wish he could talk so he can say something brilliant which helps my mind to digest. He is being clingy post -op, which is definitely good for me. Dah tak garang macam dulu.
How i wish i could feel the sun again, and enough with this gloomy weather. It does affect one's feeling. And not helping that he has to go, again.
Count your blessing, lyn. Do count your blessing.
Humphrey has been such an adorable company lately. Been jumping on my bed quite so often now. And he has his own spot on the couch next to mine. Like he knows how i hate to be left alone. And how i wish he could talk so he can say something brilliant which helps my mind to digest. He is being clingy post -op, which is definitely good for me. Dah tak garang macam dulu.
How i wish i could feel the sun again, and enough with this gloomy weather. It does affect one's feeling. And not helping that he has to go, again.
Count your blessing, lyn. Do count your blessing.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
of the ocean and rollercoaster ride
Life is such a rollercoaster ride atau life is a rollercoaster. Banyak quote pasal rollercoaster dengan life ni. Maybe sebab turun naik rollercoaster macam kehidupan manusia. Kejap atas kejap bawah. Kejap slow, kejap menjunam turun yang boleh buat muntah darah.
Tah la eh. I couldn't really feel the connection. Sebab aku tak suka rollercoaster, satu permainan gila which people are willingly queued for it.
I would rather see life as ocean, for its waves and tide. Macam if boat karam atau mandi pantai and tetiba rasa nak lemas sebab kaki cramp, nak tak nak memang kena stay afloat and struggle to catch those air. You have no choice but to rescue yourself. Biarla tercungap sekalipun, yang penting nak hidup,kan? Mana ada orang nak lemas, and tak buat apa apa?paling cikai tendang air laut kuat kuat. It is all a reflex action. You will do it subconsciously.
Sama jugak macam laut tenang. The calming ocean siapa sangka boleh jadi tsunami? Masa tenang semua very soothing. Tengok laut, hilang jiwa kacau. Tapi when the ocean gets angry, no one can beat it. Nothing can soothe the anger. Semua sekelip mata. Isn't it the same with life? One morning you are doing great, and comes the night, you have gone through hell and back.
Why am i being all cryptic about ocean and life and rollercoaster ride? Simple answer. My brain cant stop working. Filled with neverending queries and questions. How i wish that somehow mr brain gets tired and takes a day off. Just a day off. But no, he is an overachiever. And not helping that he loves flirting with life problems.
Sebab tu orang tua tua kata, if problems and life tests befall you, jangan compare dengan orang yang lebih 'hebat'. Sakit nanti. Comparing will never stop. Disatisfaction is what makes human greedy. Always want it more. Always salivating to beat others. Sebab tu kena always compare dengan yang bawah. Yang unfortunate because of human nature's rule, we always want to be the superior ones.
Supaya kita boleh tersenyum sikit while swimming in that rough sea.
Tah la eh. I couldn't really feel the connection. Sebab aku tak suka rollercoaster, satu permainan gila which people are willingly queued for it.
I would rather see life as ocean, for its waves and tide. Macam if boat karam atau mandi pantai and tetiba rasa nak lemas sebab kaki cramp, nak tak nak memang kena stay afloat and struggle to catch those air. You have no choice but to rescue yourself. Biarla tercungap sekalipun, yang penting nak hidup,kan? Mana ada orang nak lemas, and tak buat apa apa?paling cikai tendang air laut kuat kuat. It is all a reflex action. You will do it subconsciously.
Sama jugak macam laut tenang. The calming ocean siapa sangka boleh jadi tsunami? Masa tenang semua very soothing. Tengok laut, hilang jiwa kacau. Tapi when the ocean gets angry, no one can beat it. Nothing can soothe the anger. Semua sekelip mata. Isn't it the same with life? One morning you are doing great, and comes the night, you have gone through hell and back.
Why am i being all cryptic about ocean and life and rollercoaster ride? Simple answer. My brain cant stop working. Filled with neverending queries and questions. How i wish that somehow mr brain gets tired and takes a day off. Just a day off. But no, he is an overachiever. And not helping that he loves flirting with life problems.
Sebab tu orang tua tua kata, if problems and life tests befall you, jangan compare dengan orang yang lebih 'hebat'. Sakit nanti. Comparing will never stop. Disatisfaction is what makes human greedy. Always want it more. Always salivating to beat others. Sebab tu kena always compare dengan yang bawah. Yang unfortunate because of human nature's rule, we always want to be the superior ones.
Supaya kita boleh tersenyum sikit while swimming in that rough sea.
Saturday, November 09, 2013
Drowning
Life is messy. When you think it's all good, then comes the bad waves wash it away. Bring you further away from the shore. The bad part is, you don't even know how to swim. You can't even float to save your soul. But if there is one thing you know, is that you are not a quitter. You are not a swimmer but you just know when to inhale those air even for a minute. You take every possible chances to kick your legs, so your body will just have to follow the rhythm of the waves, and bring you back to the shore, safe. You are not even afraid to swallow those salty water, because in the end it will be just water and I know I will not drown if you help me stay afloat.
So that is how life is seen. From my point of view. It is messy.
But the messiness is what makes it so good.
Friday, October 04, 2013
Makcik cdm
Please queue up makcik, and do not hover when i am trying to cash in some money.
Makcik tau tak saya rimas makcik dok tengok tengok like we are families and know each other well?
Dan lagiiiii rimas bila makcik buat panjang panjang kepala tengok berapa note rm saya masukkan dalam CDM.
Tak baik busy body tau makcik. Kan saya dah terpaksa buat muka kekwat saya?
Saya rimas. Haishhhh!
Makcik tau tak saya rimas makcik dok tengok tengok like we are families and know each other well?
Dan lagiiiii rimas bila makcik buat panjang panjang kepala tengok berapa note rm saya masukkan dalam CDM.
Tak baik busy body tau makcik. Kan saya dah terpaksa buat muka kekwat saya?
Saya rimas. Haishhhh!
Post selebet
I am ... indecisive. Can't even make simple decision without having people interfering.
I want... a plate of nasik ayam penyet. Or soto ayam with extra sambal. Or lontong, again. Or pasembur Padang Kota. Gila..nafsu jin semua ni
I have... a microwave. Finally after years contemplating. Beli microwave pun kecoh. Kecoh la sebab aku kedekut. Sekarang takjub sendiri. Muahahahha!!
I keep... a lot of junks. Like empty perfume bottles or the yellowed outdated newspapers.
I wish... to be less emotional and sensitive. I am such an emotional wreck i cried when Julia Roberts wanted to stay forever in Britain for the sake of Hugh Grant. Ok itu adalah Notting Hill. But still.
I hate... liars. Just please. Don't lie to my face.
I once... was this stubborn chubby girl who always got what she wanted and threw tantrum because everybody scared she would create scene which she always did. Okay, i was 4, or maybe 5 and everybody loved me. *blow nails*
I fear... of the uncertainty. And losing, because of that uncertainty.
I hear... the empty stomach growling. Akibatnya for skipping lunch. Please please dont let my tummy growl in front of him, soon. That will be a definite embarrassment.
I don't think ... i'll be saying yes to any ghost movies played in my house. No way, as i soon going to be paranoid and start visualizing stupid things, in my house.
I regret... not to say no to my previous relationship when i get the chance to. We both knew it will never work but we both were stubborn. It didn't work anyway. I should have said it first, to his face. Demm.
I love... the giddy feeling of being loved and in love.
Plastik bag disediakan untuk muntah selepas baca ini.
I am not... afraid of wrinkles and crows feet. Percayalah.
I am afraid...of anything wriggling. Cacing, ulat ? Eeeeeeeeeew!!!!
I dance... like nobody's business. In front of mirrors and my confused cat.
I sing... off-keyed in siblings previous karaoke session. And can't even follow the lyric indicator.
I never... be mad at a person more than a day. No matter how shoddy and shitty the situation is.
I rarely... win an argument. Kerana selalu lost of words and dumbfounded.
I cry when... I got to know I've been lied to my face. And to difficult situation. And to sad cartoon like The Lion King.
I am not always...disorganized. I can be a tip-top planner and i drag you to obey the plan.
I hate that... I need to drive to Guardian Pharmacy later, which is i malas, just because i need to restock my contact lens solution.
And also the fact that i can't hate you.
I am confused about... dates and forecoming events. I even close not to get my raya haji tix just because i miscounted the dates for the raya haji break. Nasibbbbbbb ada.
I need... to speed up writing this entry coz everybody is leavinggggg the office. And it's damn creepy not having anybody
I should... stop right now and reapply my lippie and get set gooo!!
I want... a plate of nasik ayam penyet. Or soto ayam with extra sambal. Or lontong, again. Or pasembur Padang Kota. Gila..nafsu jin semua ni
I have... a microwave. Finally after years contemplating. Beli microwave pun kecoh. Kecoh la sebab aku kedekut. Sekarang takjub sendiri. Muahahahha!!
I keep... a lot of junks. Like empty perfume bottles or the yellowed outdated newspapers.
I wish... to be less emotional and sensitive. I am such an emotional wreck i cried when Julia Roberts wanted to stay forever in Britain for the sake of Hugh Grant. Ok itu adalah Notting Hill. But still.
I hate... liars. Just please. Don't lie to my face.
I once... was this stubborn chubby girl who always got what she wanted and threw tantrum because everybody scared she would create scene which she always did. Okay, i was 4, or maybe 5 and everybody loved me. *blow nails*
I fear... of the uncertainty. And losing, because of that uncertainty.
I hear... the empty stomach growling. Akibatnya for skipping lunch. Please please dont let my tummy growl in front of him, soon. That will be a definite embarrassment.
I don't think ... i'll be saying yes to any ghost movies played in my house. No way, as i soon going to be paranoid and start visualizing stupid things, in my house.
I regret... not to say no to my previous relationship when i get the chance to. We both knew it will never work but we both were stubborn. It didn't work anyway. I should have said it first, to his face. Demm.
I love... the giddy feeling of being loved and in love.
Plastik bag disediakan untuk muntah selepas baca ini.
I am not... afraid of wrinkles and crows feet. Percayalah.
I am afraid...of anything wriggling. Cacing, ulat ? Eeeeeeeeeew!!!!
I dance... like nobody's business. In front of mirrors and my confused cat.
I sing... off-keyed in siblings previous karaoke session. And can't even follow the lyric indicator.
I never... be mad at a person more than a day. No matter how shoddy and shitty the situation is.
I rarely... win an argument. Kerana selalu lost of words and dumbfounded.
I cry when... I got to know I've been lied to my face. And to difficult situation. And to sad cartoon like The Lion King.
I am not always...disorganized. I can be a tip-top planner and i drag you to obey the plan.
I hate that... I need to drive to Guardian Pharmacy later, which is i malas, just because i need to restock my contact lens solution.
And also the fact that i can't hate you.
I am confused about... dates and forecoming events. I even close not to get my raya haji tix just because i miscounted the dates for the raya haji break. Nasibbbbbbb ada.
I need... to speed up writing this entry coz everybody is leavinggggg the office. And it's damn creepy not having anybody
I should... stop right now and reapply my lippie and get set gooo!!
Thursday, October 03, 2013
cerita wanita besi
The only one thing i dread doing every month is paying my dentist a visit (paying..yeah like literally). Penat kot every month pergi tapi jawapan Dr Ling memang potong stim.. "You punya gigi ada banyak lambat woo gerak!" If it isnt Dr Ling, then the wife (merangkap receptionist and nurse, oh yes she is a certified dental nurse) would chirp in. The usual remark, "Lozlinnn.. you punya gigi manyak lama hoo". Tensen aku hoi. Dont remind me things I already know la misi. Wa sudah manyak kasi lu untung ma. Tapi itulaa... 3 tahun punya visit nama aku jadi Lozlin. I have been wearing braces long time I forget how I look like without one.
Semalam dental visit pun sama lah. The problem is not my upper teeth (which was the main culprit), but it turned out that it was my lower teeth yang banyak songeh. Kalau tak jarang, tak simetri. Dah simetri, jarang balik. Apa punya degil. Everytime post treatment, mula nak berdenyut. The treatment is mostly the same, tukar getah kaler kaler for my brackets . And sometimes tukar wire. Ntah nak explain pun tak berapa nak reti, but the purpose is to realign the dental structure. Macam nak tarik the stubborn tooth so jadi symmetrical dengan the rest and this indeed happens all the time. I mean, kedudukan gigi berubah all the time ye. Which is why post - ortho you are still required to wear a retainer. For the rest of your life, a fact that not many dentist will bother tell.
Ni pun tengah type entry dok kemain denyut. Semalam balik dentist, singgah beli roti john best kat Pasar Malam Jaya Gading. Roti john paling best, banyak daging cincang and tak kedekut telo, hanya bole ditelan tanpa kunyah. Gila tak stim. Ini semua sebab tak bole make use gigi bawah. Kacip gigi je denyut denyut habis camne nak kunyah daging cincang and teloq?
So jangan la tanya hamba ini bila I would be metal-free. I seriously have no idea. If it is time, then it is time. Kalau nak force pun tak guna ye dok? Buatnya lagi teruk herot bengot gigi ni how?
Yang penting, I know you love me with my braces, don't ya?
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About Me
- ladyhermanas
- just a normal average jane who loves to sleep n write whatever comes across her mind.