Shine

Heyy im back. Fresh, rejuvenated and totally put everything else unimportant in the garbage bin. Disposing all toxicity . Insha allah, the sun shines afterall.

retaliate

Mama selalu bagitau, do good to others, even you get the worst from them. Jangan retaliate, because it would not help any wars. Biarlah apa orang nak buat kat kita, yang penting kita just keep calm and smile (despite jiwa memberontak untuk membalas, kan mama?)

But that shows how weak you are, for not retaliating. For not taking revenge for whatever bad people do on you. Kenapa nak biar? Kenapa nak let yourself dipijak pijak and being abused emotionally?

So I asked mama. And I guess she does not have to answer that because I get the answer for that myself.

Sebab tak membalas bukan bermaksud lemah. Bukan bermaksud kalah. Bukan bermaksud salah.

Tak membalas itu melenyapkan amarah. Biarlah.

Bukan lama kita nak hidup di dunia pun. And I have learned to forgive and I learnt to ask for forgiveness.

Semoga diterimaNya.

puding raja

total yummy and diabetic-prone

If there is one dessert that I could eat non stop and to have an endless craving, this will be it. For those who are curious, introducing the jewel for my sweet teeth, the ultimate puding raja. Why raja? Most probably because this is supposedly the Sultan of Pahang favourite dessert. That is what I've been told. And raja because of the richness in its texture and color. See, that bright yellow 'curlies' which could easily be mistaken as muruku? (lia called that maruku hahaha)

So, what's with this puding raja craziness you ask? Because the main filling are bananas! I can never say no to banana, you know that right? And it is not a sebarangan type of pisang, normally the use of pisang lemak manis is given priority. That yellow stuffs are jala emas ( made from telur itik kot, am not too sure), then decorate with prunes, pistachios, chopped cherries. Puding raja is to be eaten together with the sauce, the custard sauce. Sedapnyaaaa ampunnn!

And another thing that makes it so special is the unavailability of it. I mean, it is normally ordered and prepared for events and now this, at pasar ramadan. It might be sold elsewhere, everyday but to find a good puding raja is rather tricky. Every year, without fail,  puding raja hunting at Kuantan Pasar Ramadan is a must and it will always be the same stall each year, the one from Pekan. Priced at RM 5 each per container. Mahal? Shut your eyes and just appreciate the flavour :)

Baby is a month or two

How do i start? I know my blog has been keeping dust and yes I do not have any concrete reasons for not blogging. I have lots of my spare time but I just don't feel to put it into words. Words are cheap. They are somehow expressionless. And I gain my way of being expressive which I rather not disclose here.

So July comes. How time flies. And now we are in the beginning of Holy Ramadan, trying to gather and reach His love and pahala. I know I haven't been a good servant of Him, and I have done countless of mistakes and things I regret, but to know He always keeps the eyes on me and to know that He cares, it soothes even the most infuriated part of me. Oh talking about Ramadan, mama and abah are officially fasting and break fasting at that new address. Mama has been feeding me with lots of pixies, things she bought, what she did and so forth. I think she is more than happy to decorate the house when I am not there because she can let her creative juice flow. Which unlike me, I can be one hell a stressed out tenant just thinking of the color of the curtain. Mama must be rolling her eyes every time I spluttered the idea and concept of the house. Yeah, been repeating to her about the concept millionth of times hahaha. Work has taken a toll on me, I could not really go back and see my baby. Only got the chance to have the sleepover there once! Itupun after the kenduri tahlil and doa selamat, where the house was basically empty with no furniture.

this is the view. the new view.

I've been meaning to blog more about this baby of mine but I am pretty much rather read my mom's. So Raya is going to be here, at this new address and likely Aten's wedding too. He, with the grey wall and the rooftop, is barely a year and yet is about to host a few events. Alhamdulilah :). Be blog about this later okay, maybe on the prep and the things I bought. Or maybe not. Hahaha. saya malas. Ok bai

Wanting is just word

In life, where choices and options are aplenty, you will be torn to choose between the wants and the needs. Ironically, the things you want will overrule everything you need. Very little fact that we will be granted both. You have to choose, and to choose is indeed the most excruciating task.

Between everything i want and anything i need, i will just have to choose.

And i choose His choice, and i am contented.

I know i will.

end is only the beginning

Breath. Trust. Let go.

And see what happens.

...

It breaks. Into pieces. And I have no courage to pick it up anymore.

This is it..

Kiss the rain

It has been been gloomy days in kuantan. The rain stopped  2 days ago and comes again visiting. Was typing this and looking out the glass door, watching those unstoppable rain. Dont feel like doing anything but to stay inside, put the thick clothes, or yet wear his white shirt. Only had my first cup of coffee and a small box of cornflakes to start the day.  Maybe later, if the feeling arises, would be heading to the kitchen and whipping something simple.

Humphrey has been such an adorable company lately. Been jumping on my bed quite so often now. And he has his own spot on the couch next to mine. Like he knows how i hate to be left alone. And how i wish he could talk so he can say something brilliant which helps my mind to digest. He is being clingy post -op, which is definitely good for me. Dah tak garang macam dulu.

How i wish i could feel the sun again, and enough with this gloomy weather. It does affect one's feeling. And not helping that he has to go, again.

Count your blessing, lyn. Do count your blessing.

of the ocean and rollercoaster ride

Life is such a rollercoaster ride atau life is a rollercoaster. Banyak quote pasal rollercoaster dengan life ni. Maybe sebab turun naik rollercoaster macam kehidupan manusia. Kejap atas kejap bawah. Kejap slow, kejap menjunam turun yang boleh buat muntah darah.
Tah la eh. I couldn't really feel the connection. Sebab aku tak suka rollercoaster, satu permainan gila which people are willingly queued for it.

I would rather see life as ocean, for its waves and tide. Macam if boat karam atau mandi pantai and tetiba rasa nak lemas sebab kaki cramp, nak tak nak memang kena stay afloat and struggle to catch those air. You have no choice but to rescue yourself. Biarla tercungap sekalipun, yang penting nak hidup,kan? Mana ada orang nak lemas, and tak buat apa apa?paling cikai tendang air laut kuat kuat. It is all a reflex action. You will do it subconsciously.

Sama jugak macam laut tenang. The calming ocean siapa sangka boleh jadi tsunami? Masa tenang semua very soothing. Tengok laut, hilang jiwa kacau. Tapi when the ocean gets angry, no one can beat it. Nothing can soothe the anger. Semua sekelip mata. Isn't it the same with life? One morning you are doing great, and comes the night, you have gone through hell and back.

Why am i being all cryptic about ocean and life and rollercoaster ride? Simple answer. My brain cant stop working. Filled with neverending queries and questions. How i wish that somehow mr brain gets tired and takes a day off. Just a day off. But no, he is an overachiever. And not helping that he loves flirting with life problems.

Sebab tu orang tua tua kata, if problems and life tests befall you, jangan compare dengan orang yang lebih 'hebat'. Sakit nanti. Comparing will never stop. Disatisfaction is what makes human greedy. Always want it more. Always salivating to beat others. Sebab tu kena always compare dengan yang bawah. Yang unfortunate because of human nature's rule, we always want to be the superior ones.

Supaya kita boleh tersenyum sikit while swimming in that rough sea.

Drowning

Life is messy. When you think it's all good, then comes the bad waves wash it away. Bring you further away from the shore. The bad part is, you don't even know how to swim. You can't even float to save your soul. But if there is one thing you know, is that you are not a quitter. You are not a swimmer but you just know when to inhale those air even for a minute. You take every possible chances to kick your legs, so your body will just have to follow the rhythm of the waves, and bring you back to the shore, safe. You are not even afraid to swallow those salty water, because in the end it will be just water and I know I will not drown if you help me stay afloat.

So that is how life is seen. From my point of view. It is messy.

But the messiness is what makes it so good.

Makcik cdm

Please queue up makcik, and do not hover when i am trying to cash in some money.

Makcik tau tak saya rimas makcik dok tengok tengok like we are families and know each other well?

Dan lagiiiii rimas bila makcik buat panjang panjang kepala tengok berapa note rm saya masukkan dalam CDM.

Tak baik busy body tau makcik. Kan saya dah terpaksa buat muka kekwat saya?

Saya rimas. Haishhhh!

Post selebet

I am ... indecisive. Can't even make simple decision without having people interfering.

I want... a plate of nasik ayam penyet. Or soto ayam with extra sambal. Or lontong, again. Or pasembur Padang Kota. Gila..nafsu jin semua ni

I have... a microwave. Finally after years contemplating. Beli microwave pun kecoh. Kecoh la sebab aku kedekut. Sekarang takjub sendiri. Muahahahha!!

I keep... a lot of junks. Like empty perfume bottles or the yellowed outdated newspapers.

I wish... to be less emotional and sensitive. I am such an emotional wreck i cried when Julia Roberts wanted to stay forever in Britain for the sake of Hugh Grant. Ok itu adalah Notting Hill. But still.

I hate... liars. Just please. Don't lie to my face.

I once... was this stubborn chubby girl who always got what she wanted and threw tantrum because everybody scared she would create scene which she always did. Okay, i was 4, or maybe 5 and everybody loved me. *blow nails*

I fear... of the uncertainty. And losing, because of that uncertainty.

I hear... the empty stomach growling. Akibatnya for skipping lunch. Please please dont let my tummy growl in front of him, soon. That will be a definite embarrassment.

I don't think ... i'll be saying yes to any ghost movies played in my house. No way, as i soon going to be paranoid and start visualizing stupid things, in my house.

I regret... not to say no to my previous relationship when i get the chance to. We both knew it will never work but we both were stubborn. It didn't work anyway. I should have said it first, to his face. Demm.

I love... the giddy feeling of being loved and in love.
Plastik bag disediakan untuk muntah selepas baca ini.

I am not... afraid of wrinkles and crows feet. Percayalah.

I am afraid...of anything wriggling. Cacing, ulat ? Eeeeeeeeeew!!!!

I dance... like nobody's business. In front of mirrors and my confused cat.

I sing... off-keyed in siblings previous karaoke session. And can't even follow the lyric indicator.

I never... be mad at a person more than a day. No matter how shoddy and shitty the situation is.

I rarely... win an argument. Kerana selalu lost of words and dumbfounded.

I cry when... I got to know I've been lied to my face. And to difficult situation. And to sad cartoon like The Lion King.

I am not always...disorganized. I can be a tip-top planner and i drag you to obey the plan.

I hate that... I need to drive to Guardian Pharmacy later, which is i malas, just because i need to restock my contact lens solution.
And also the fact that i can't hate you.

I am confused about... dates and forecoming events. I even close not to get my raya haji tix just because i miscounted the dates for the raya haji break. Nasibbbbbbb ada.

I need... to speed up writing this entry coz everybody is leavinggggg the office. And it's damn creepy not having anybody

I should... stop right now and reapply my lippie and get set gooo!!

cerita wanita besi

The only one thing i dread doing every month is paying my dentist a visit (paying..yeah like literally). Penat kot every month pergi tapi jawapan Dr Ling memang potong stim.. "You punya gigi ada banyak lambat woo gerak!"  If it isnt Dr Ling, then the wife (merangkap receptionist and nurse, oh yes she is a certified dental nurse) would chirp in. The usual remark, "Lozlinnn.. you punya gigi manyak lama hoo". Tensen aku hoi. Dont remind me things I already know la misi. Wa sudah manyak kasi lu untung ma. Tapi itulaa... 3 tahun punya visit nama aku jadi Lozlin. I have been wearing braces long time I forget how I look like without one.

Semalam dental visit pun sama lah. The problem is not my upper teeth (which was the main culprit), but it turned out that it was my lower teeth yang banyak songeh. Kalau tak jarang, tak simetri. Dah simetri, jarang balik. Apa punya degil. Everytime post treatment, mula nak berdenyut. The treatment is mostly the same, tukar getah kaler kaler for my brackets . And sometimes tukar wire. Ntah nak explain pun tak berapa nak reti, but the purpose is to realign the dental structure. Macam nak tarik the stubborn tooth so jadi symmetrical dengan the rest and this indeed happens all the time. I mean, kedudukan gigi berubah all the time ye. Which is why post - ortho  you are still required to wear a retainer. For the rest of your life, a fact that not many dentist will bother tell.

Ni pun tengah type entry dok kemain denyut. Semalam balik dentist, singgah beli roti john best kat Pasar Malam Jaya Gading. Roti john paling best, banyak daging cincang and tak kedekut telo, hanya bole ditelan tanpa kunyah. Gila tak stim. Ini semua sebab tak bole make use gigi bawah. Kacip gigi je denyut denyut habis camne nak kunyah daging cincang and teloq? 

So jangan la tanya hamba ini bila I would be metal-free. I seriously have no idea. If it is time, then it is time. Kalau nak force pun tak guna ye dok? Buatnya lagi teruk herot bengot gigi ni how?

Yang penting, I know you love me with my braces, don't ya?

Mistake

'mistake' is when things are done and it turns out wrongly, far from what you think it should be

And mistake is to drag yourself into the ' mistake'. And i am glad it isnt even close.

Too confusing? My intention definitely. As if you don't like being confused.

Yes, YOU.

Hari panas. Bukan summer.

Internet at the workplace is like real hazab. Maxis is the worse. Could not even make a call without having to stand next to the window. Kalau orang tengok dari bawah office macam pempuan  bercakap dengan bopren  on the phone, but this perempuan sudah ready to declare war with maxis. Nak cakap tepon je then i have to menyusup to these cubicles, finding a spot where barely a bar appears. It's getting worst la, hari tu dah pakat mengamuk, ni jadi balik. Stresss hoi. Celcom is nothing better, it is okay okay during daylight but coming home, sama jugak. Kalau dapat, dapat la. Nak loading his skype video pun bercinta. Oh hari ni gatal tangan nak update ios, then thinking i have jail broken mine, tak jadi.

Workload has been nothing but a nitemare. Got to speed a bit with the report writing coz some of the kids are going away for their athletic events god knows where. Keying marks here and there, and hunting those who are not taking those quizzes yet. Aku tak paham betul kids nowadays, like they care less if they take the exam or not. And what's more when it comes to quizzes. As what i remembered clearly back in my uni years, i would be the one going crazy chasing the lecturers for the quizzes, and even begged if it past the given date. Gelabah tak hingat. Ke aku je yang over gelabah? Reminded me that i cried at the phone booth talking to mom, ngadu  kes dr richard salah calculate markah and did not award the supposed correct answers. Esok pagi pagi dah bertunggu tangga kat depan bilik dr richard, his note and the answer paper in my hand. I fought for my right. And showed him his note and the part where he missed out my answers, and no further questions asked, i got the marks! The aftermath feeling, kerenyih tak ingat and donia ini ana yang punya..gituu..!. How i wish my kids would have the same feeling of struggle ness, bukan tunggu the lecturer chase after them for their OWN marks.

How i wish.

Something happened at the office today, i want to lash it out here but tak larat pulak nak type. Type lembab, but kalau verbal bercerita laju wooo. It just that from this morning incident, i learnt that..

If you are a leader, old or new, somehow in order to get things done, you can't just simply do it your way and terms alone. You are working with other human, try to respect their choice as well. Tak de salah ya kalau kita jaga hati anak buah, bukan just bagi arahan like your orders do not affect others.

Tapi tulah, not everybody is born a leader. You can lead but you are no leader. Sorry.

How what have

Boring mode is one so tag it is!!

Ten how's

1. How did you get your scar?

Heel stuck in a pavement hole and stumble flat, knee first. Bruised knee, bruised ego. ;(

2.how did you celebrate your last birthday?

Singapore. With drama in between.

3.how are you feeling at this moment?

Missing someone. Hungry. Bored hence the tag. And missing someone. There i said it twice.

4. How did your night go last nite?

Just like any regular nights, fall asleep not knowing when i fell asleep. Woke up with the sound of Humphrey meowing loudly on the bed. And fall asleep again. Bahahhaa..! Crazy sleeping pattern.

5. How did you do in high school?

Never made any visit to the disciplinary unit, so yeahhhh i was a good girl. Oh you asking my academic now? Errr..on the lighter note...ermm..

6. How did you get a shirt you are wearing?

Not wearing any shirt. I mean, wearing a sundress now. Got that from H&M, impulse buying more likely coz it ends up being a baju tido

7. How often do you see your best friends?

Sadly, not so often. Time's a killer.

8. How much money did you spend last month?

Hmm.. How much eh? Not much laaa. Light light shopping onlyyy meh! But i spent much much more on fuel than i did on the other stuffs. Pegi kl every week woo!

9. How old do you want to be when you get married?

When it is the Time, then that is how old i want it to be, or He above wants it to be.

10. How old will you be in your next birthday?

Not telling!! But it will hard job blowin' those candles!

Nine what's

1. Your mother's name?

Definitely different from yours

2. What did you do last weekend?

Working on saturday , and menjadi malas on sunday. Malas malas dan malas. Mari menjadi sloth

3. What is the most important part of your life?

Being happy sincerely, not just faking it in time.

4. What would you rather be doing?

Escaping somewhere and waking up with the sound of the ocean. Oceee berangan la kau nak beach getaway sangat kan kalau kerja berlambak kat opis. But seriously, i just need my cuti. I am tepu otak at the moment.

5. What did you last cry over?

I was so mad at someone this morning i was quevering and ready to burst into tears. Menangis geram.  Vongek.

6. What always makes you better when you are upset?

Tido. Kaw kaw tido. 

7. What is the most important thing you look for in a significant other?

Being sincere. Coz i am.

8. What are you worried about?

Uncertainty. Like no matter how much i pissed off at things or someone, a minute later i ll be worrying bout the consequences like there's no tomorrow. It worries me that i worry too much, sometimes.

9. What did you have for breakfast?

Apa eh? Lupa. Ha nasi kosong with ayam sambal and nescafe ais. Wajibulqunnah.

Eight have you-s

1. Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend?

Pitifully, yes. 

2. Have you ever had your heart broken?

Yes. But for every heart breaks, you gain respect on yourself. Think it's easy? No, only strong mind will do.

3. Have you ever been out of the country?

Legally yes.

4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?

Yes, was in a relationship doomed from the beginning. But my silly mind could not think straight. And when it's over, it was a relief.

5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?

Not as far as im concern. Please please no in the near future.

6. Question 6 is a sexually loaded q, but the answer to the q is no, and who knows. Hahahhah. Skip!

7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you?

Yes. 

8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?

Can.. Why cannot meh?

What if

If we're not meant to be
Why did this spark ignite
They say this is wrong
Then why do i know it's right

What if this breaks us
What if this separates us now
What if they never stop
Tearing us apart

If it's just you and me
Can we keep burning bright
Trying to stay strong
And not giving up the fight

What if this breaks us
What if we lose our way somehow
I know we can't give up
Let this fall apart

Just keep holding on to this
Never letting go
I won't let you go
Just keep holding on to Him
Never letting go

Nothing will break us
We'll find our way somehow
I know we won't give up
We 'll go back to the start

(what if, paperplane pursuit)

I've been listening to this number quite often now. At first thinking it was an international artist, then only to realise that it is our homegrown band, paperplane pursuit. Fall in love with this number instantly. The melody, the wordings. Awesomeness.

What if you really know what to do..

R.a.y.a

Hellooo beautiful people. And so i am back. From nowhere. Just terkena penyakit malas melampau and the hassle to upload pixies made it so hard to get back in track. Tahap gila malas. Ke malas gila? I guess i am not so much a storyteller these days. Oh I did have 'amazing' life and I got loads of 'amazing' stories, but don't you think that some stories are better left unshared?

Takpe, nak load semua stories tu dalam plastik sampah, campak ke lombong and start fresh.

Okay nak start kat mana? Raya story? Raya was okay, definitely better than I thought. That first day, macam biasa the big gathering at tok ad's crib, sesi gosip (sempatttt!) and definitely the camwhoring session. Makan ketupat skit, rendang skit, and tok had the catering done for the day.

Then the rest of the day was spent in SP. Makteh requested mama to cook mee kuah, as she is planning to do makan makan for her hajj going-away. I was mostly upstairs, didnt go down much as makteh got her colleagues over and marilah jadi anak dara pemalu (ok .sedap lepak atas coz i was in sweatpant and shirt most of the time. Gila raya kedua attire. Bibik lagi cun. Ok i was plain lazy. And seriously in no mood to mingle.)

Raya ke empat dah balik kuantan. Cool kan? Orang raya seminggu, aku dah balik invigilate exam. Yawnnn!

Dah la . Tuh je cerita raya. I get the pixies soon. Am still in my raya munching mode, so pleasee tell if there are any good rendang open houses that i can crash. Ba ha ha!

flag the end

My kids are having their final exam today. That 125 kids of mine. Hope they don't have amnesia and do remember everything.

Even if I have to repeat about tenses for the hundredth time
Even if I force them to write topic sentences and thesis statement every time during the writing classes
Even if their papers are all marked red, with lots of crosses, circles and underlines
Even if they have to bear their ears for constant nagging, of their scarce hobby of reading newspapers
Even if they have to bear their ears, again, for another scolding, of not being able to respond intelligently to any of my discussion
Even if I am always 'cenge' every time they lost track of whatever being discussed previously (ya, ini cikgu sangat cenge)

Because whatever I do, I do it because I care and because they are my responsibility and I am accounted to that. Love it or loathe it, my dear kids, nothing I want best in life, but to see you excel in the exam.

Good Luck!

tower

Being 5'1, I always swear on a good pair of 3 inch-heels. Heels uplift you, physically and emotionally. Not having one is like you cruising around naked, like people looking down at you and it does not help if you are walking side by side next to 5'5 human beings, because I feel soooooo imcomplete.

Well, that is just me. Being all silly with silly reasons.

But no matter how much i adore strutting myself in heels, I can only do so at work. When I am all geared up with baju kurung and matching tudung. Does not matterlah of the fact that my classes are mostly up up and away ( 4 floors and no elevator, got my free workout everyday hey!), and tak payah kiralah how many times I have to send my favorite pair of heels to cobblers just because their soles are all worn out. And my relationship with heels is always a debatable topic at the workplace especially among kakak kakak colleague yang merasakan I was in pain wearing heels to work, and supported their debates with the medical facts of lifeling consequences of heels. Ahhhh tak kiraaaa...tak dulikkk aku nakkk... aku nak pakai jugakkk!! (macam cerita monyet nak makan cili program tv pendidikan dulu dulu. hehhe.. ok lame. sila abaikan)

Ironically, I can't wear any when i am off work. Sangatlah tak selesa. I tried, soooo many times wearing ones when I am out for my social events. There was one time, we were out having dinner, and there i was, picking out the killer heels. The first hour was fine, but we kept on walking, i started having intolerable pains. Felt the cold floor calling me to go barefoot. Had to walk like a geisha. Few short-paced steps later, i gave up. Tak larat nak control. Tak larat nak stop every few minutes to reduce the pain. And reaching the car, I opened the bonnet and took out the loafers. Ahhhhh..nikmat wehh!

So when seeing this lady, with her towering heels, walking slowly from one showroom to another at Ikea, my heart felt for her. Berprasangka baik, since she was in her baju kebaya, she might just got back from a kenduri and got no time to change her soles. But at least, tak de kasut spare dalam kereta ke? She was walking in front of me and at this one showroom, she stucked on one of the carpet and nearly stumbled on her heels and nearly 'tertomos' (tertomoih kata orang peghelih). Luckily she had her boyfriend catching her before terduduk bergaya atas simen. Ha pakai lagi kasut tinggi tinggi. Dah tau hang nak mai shopping tempat macam ni dok kalut nak bergaya sangat pasai pa? (Okay, i do not say that out loud. Nak mampos? That was cruel inner me saying. hehehe).

I would still forever love my heels no matter what.