December and it is not just a month

Betullah cakap orang tua, berat mata memandang , berat lagi bahu memikul. Being a pahang citizen, i am indeed part of those who are involved in the flood catastrophe. Maybe just 30 to 40 % affected, but it is more than enough. 12 tahun menghidu udara pahang, 2 tahun Allah turunkan ujian banjir yang besar untuk kami rakyat pahang. Usah dibanding tahun mana yang lebih terkesan, kerana consequences sama, be it physical, emosi, tenaga, wang ringgit.

Tahun ni it is another wave of flood. Spared pahang, but affected kelantan critically. Masa the first wave of flood came, mama was with me. Hujan tk berhenti henti mencurah dari pagi. No thunders, no storms, no lightning, just gushes of water. In fact rain had been unstoppable since mama, abah and i arrived in kuantan from kl, prior to aten' s wedding in kl, a week ago. Jadi just imagine. Seminggu hujan tak berhenti henti turun. I was already fidgeting inside. I knew that if it didn't stop, the worst case would follow. Mama made decision to stay another week and decided to just book a flight tix from malindo. ( amazing that malindo now flies to subang , and i got more choices of going home instead of just hopping on MAS;).

It was early Monday morning. A heavily raining morning indeed. A couple of friends had been texted me through whatsapp, asking the condition of weather in gambang. You see, there is one area kat jalan gambang ni, yang tanah dia agak landai, macam berlopak sikit. Eh bukan sikit, but major landai jugak. Kalau human memanjang, this is the first area di gambang yang akan affected dulu. And not helping that to get to my college, ini di consider sebagai main route. Banjir tahun 2013, jalan gambang dekat sawmill ni yang kena tutup dulu. Looking at the unstoppable rain that day, i was negatively confident that jalan sawmill tu dah naik air. Mama dah start to have second thought of going home. Yes she was scared i couldn't make it back to college after sending her to the airport. But i assured her that the road will be ok, that i could see few incoming cars from the guard post ( indicating that the road is safe and not submerged underwater, hence the cars).

I never drove so slow in my entire life. But upon entering the road ( which basically was a mere km from my college), heart started to pound. Entahla, i wasn' t that confident, and I am not a person yang tidak confident bila bawak kereta. Not to brag, tapi insha allah saya pemandu berhemah ( minus the phone texting habit*gulp*). Pukul 715 kami dah start keluar rumah, to catch mama's 9.15 am flight. Awal gila, tapi biasala, mama *ehem* kami memang suka pegi awal :).

Okay, so depan sawmill memang dah submerge, tapi still passable by vehicles. Tu pun lane putih tengah jalan dah tak nampak. Thank god there were less car on the road, so i managed to drive in the middle of the road, sebab kiri kanan memang ada longkang. Takut pulak. A second before my car hit the water, mama voiced out her worry and she asked for a turn back. But of course i braced myself
( and the car) and terus hit the water.. I tau mama dah tak senang duduk, and not helping that satu perumahan kat kawasan airport tu memang dah naik air. Dah tenggelam jalan utama. Satu kereta wira ni kat jalan masuk taman ni air dah tahap tingkap kereta. Aku telan air liur. Dalam hati , yes, rasa nak patah balik and bawak mama balik semula ke gambang.

It was a bit solemn at the airport. Lepas mama checked her bag in, kami duduk kat kerusi di airport tu. I took out my phone and there it was, berbelas belas unread whatsapp messages.

*jalan sawmill dah naik air*
*kami tak berani nak redah. Banyak kereta stop tepi jalan. diorang pun tak berani. Air macam dalam*

i looked at my watch, 8.20 am. Dalam jangkamasa yang tak sampai sejam tu, berpuluh kereta terkandas. Semua tak berani nak lepas air. I know the level of water had risen. Memang ada kereta yang lepas, but it was kamikaze.
I was silent, seating besides mama at the airport all i wanted to do was to hug her. hati tuhan saja yg tahu. Each text that kept beeping didn't help either, semuanya dengan terrifying updates.

*olin, kami dah patah balik, semua berkumpul di masjid gambang termasuk KJ*
(KJ is ketua jabatan), which meant only one thing, now everyone was stranded. Nobody was spared,not even the boss.

*kami semua dah park kereta dekat masjid gambang. Air makin naik*
*bas kolej akan ambik kat masjid, ko datang parking kat sini. Kita naik bas*

things were getting serious. The road was now only passable by the heavy load. The bus, the lorry. I looked at mama, told her that i wanted to go back to college and walked her right to the scanning counter. And we hugged, i kissed her hands, her cheeks and by the time i let her go, we were both crying. I never felt so helpless,  so alone, so scared like this.  I have no idea where this crazy hormones came in, but i was so terrified, and i was always the strong n brave one.

I drove back to gambang, with the only sound coming from my heartbeat and the wiper. It was dark and misty, the scene reminiscene of Twilight. And here we were, finally, on the dreaded route. I noticed the number of cars were more thn usual. Especially on the roadside. People parked their cars
and just watched the road. Maybe to witness the cars that unluckily stranded and submerged underwater. I clicked on the signal and stopped at the roadside. I was deliberating.

* boleh cuba lalu belakang lori, tapi jangan tukar gear. *

i seriously can't remember who texted that but i was keen to try. There was no time to waste. I can't be forever stranded here. I can't just ditch my car n hop on the bus. I live in the college. That is not
my only workplace but my home too. I just had to go home. Only god knows when the condition gets better. But what if it doesn't?. I saw the the oncoming bas, rapid kuantan to be exact. Approaching slowly, with its lights on. I clasped my fingers tightly on the steering. I never felt so determined like this. This is it. Gear two,pedal slowly tekan minyak and i was behind the bus, like really behind. The bus kind of giving way to my car, directing water away from my route. But, it stopped suddenly! Boleh tak bus tu stop, in the middle of the water sebab bagi jalan for the cars on the other side untuk jalan dulu??? Oh my oh my oh my. Stay calm , don't get panicky, keep pushing minyak. But coud i?? If tekan minyak meaning aku cium bontot bas. Mulut tak berhenti zikir. Paniknya aku hanya tuhan yg tahu. Air kiri kanan berkocak deras. Setiap kali kereta on the right lane passed my car, i can feel kereta aku bergegar. Then, the bus proceeded and i pushed the gas. Alhamdulilah, walaupun dalam air, walaupun aku tukar gear, my dearest terus laju melawan arus. And lepas tu memang hit area yang landai tu, separuh kereta ke 3/4 kereta kot dalam air. And bila sampai daratan, i was shaking, to know that i escaped safely. Ya allah..thank you for not letting me stranded. Thank you for guiding me home.

And after that, as we all know now, kelantan, terengganu n of course pahang are hit terribly by the flood. Kelantan, being the state affected the worst. It took me a week to stay inside, tak berani lagi nak harung air banjir mcm tu. still boleh rasa the splashes of water, the tremor inside the car. After a few days when the news reported the road in kuantan is reachable, baru aku berani drive keluar. And how bad the condition is in kuantan n nearby areas, berpuluh kali or beratus kali lagi teruk area kat kelantan. I had to choke tears watching kampung kampung , rumah papan semua tenggelam dalam
air. That is flood aftermath. Nak surut pun ambik masa. Kereta kereta masih banyak lagi parking on the roadside. Maybe takut ada waves of flood lagi. Sumpah, tengok sendiri keadaan banjir dan being in the condition , walaupun hanya 20 %, sungguh memberi kesan. I can't imagine those people in remote areas in kelantan, the unreachable places, yang susah nak dpt bantuan. Tak boleh imagine kena mengharung air yang usah diambil remeh arus dan kedalaman. Tak boleh imagine duduk dalam gelap bila elektrik shut down, all by myself, dikeliling air. Tak boleh imagine terpaksa lari naik atas bukit nak selamatkan diri where nowhere else is safe. Tak boleh imagine terpaksa catu makanan or worst yet, terpaksa berlapar, dalam gelap, dalam sejuk hujan, dalam sunyi.
 Tak boleh imagine terputus hubungan dengan mak ayah, adik adik, semuanya berpecah pecah tak tahu untung nasib, entahkan masih bernyawa atau sebaliknya. Ya allah, sungguh aku tak mampu..

Sungguh, entry ini hanya entry untuk penuhkan blog. The longest entry by far. Entry yang tidak ada istilah worth reading. Tapi entry ini entry untuk aku, untuk rasa menyerah, untuk rasa tunduk,untuk 
rasa akur pada Dia, Yang Maha Menguasai



Sungguh, this is by far, my longest entry in the blog. Entry yang hanya ada rasa ketakutan, rasa tunduk, rasa mn

I know this is by far the

Shine

Heyy im back. Fresh, rejuvenated and totally put everything else unimportant in the garbage bin. Disposing all toxicity . Insha allah, the sun shines afterall.

retaliate

Mama selalu bagitau, do good to others, even you get the worst from them. Jangan retaliate, because it would not help any wars. Biarlah apa orang nak buat kat kita, yang penting kita just keep calm and smile (despite jiwa memberontak untuk membalas, kan mama?)

But that shows how weak you are, for not retaliating. For not taking revenge for whatever bad people do on you. Kenapa nak biar? Kenapa nak let yourself dipijak pijak and being abused emotionally?

So I asked mama. And I guess she does not have to answer that because I get the answer for that myself.

Sebab tak membalas bukan bermaksud lemah. Bukan bermaksud kalah. Bukan bermaksud salah.

Tak membalas itu melenyapkan amarah. Biarlah.

Bukan lama kita nak hidup di dunia pun. And I have learned to forgive and I learnt to ask for forgiveness.

Semoga diterimaNya.

puding raja

total yummy and diabetic-prone

If there is one dessert that I could eat non stop and to have an endless craving, this will be it. For those who are curious, introducing the jewel for my sweet teeth, the ultimate puding raja. Why raja? Most probably because this is supposedly the Sultan of Pahang favourite dessert. That is what I've been told. And raja because of the richness in its texture and color. See, that bright yellow 'curlies' which could easily be mistaken as muruku? (lia called that maruku hahaha)

So, what's with this puding raja craziness you ask? Because the main filling are bananas! I can never say no to banana, you know that right? And it is not a sebarangan type of pisang, normally the use of pisang lemak manis is given priority. That yellow stuffs are jala emas ( made from telur itik kot, am not too sure), then decorate with prunes, pistachios, chopped cherries. Puding raja is to be eaten together with the sauce, the custard sauce. Sedapnyaaaa ampunnn!

And another thing that makes it so special is the unavailability of it. I mean, it is normally ordered and prepared for events and now this, at pasar ramadan. It might be sold elsewhere, everyday but to find a good puding raja is rather tricky. Every year, without fail,  puding raja hunting at Kuantan Pasar Ramadan is a must and it will always be the same stall each year, the one from Pekan. Priced at RM 5 each per container. Mahal? Shut your eyes and just appreciate the flavour :)

Baby is a month or two

How do i start? I know my blog has been keeping dust and yes I do not have any concrete reasons for not blogging. I have lots of my spare time but I just don't feel to put it into words. Words are cheap. They are somehow expressionless. And I gain my way of being expressive which I rather not disclose here.

So July comes. How time flies. And now we are in the beginning of Holy Ramadan, trying to gather and reach His love and pahala. I know I haven't been a good servant of Him, and I have done countless of mistakes and things I regret, but to know He always keeps the eyes on me and to know that He cares, it soothes even the most infuriated part of me. Oh talking about Ramadan, mama and abah are officially fasting and break fasting at that new address. Mama has been feeding me with lots of pixies, things she bought, what she did and so forth. I think she is more than happy to decorate the house when I am not there because she can let her creative juice flow. Which unlike me, I can be one hell a stressed out tenant just thinking of the color of the curtain. Mama must be rolling her eyes every time I spluttered the idea and concept of the house. Yeah, been repeating to her about the concept millionth of times hahaha. Work has taken a toll on me, I could not really go back and see my baby. Only got the chance to have the sleepover there once! Itupun after the kenduri tahlil and doa selamat, where the house was basically empty with no furniture.

this is the view. the new view.

I've been meaning to blog more about this baby of mine but I am pretty much rather read my mom's. So Raya is going to be here, at this new address and likely Aten's wedding too. He, with the grey wall and the rooftop, is barely a year and yet is about to host a few events. Alhamdulilah :). Be blog about this later okay, maybe on the prep and the things I bought. Or maybe not. Hahaha. saya malas. Ok bai

Wanting is just word

In life, where choices and options are aplenty, you will be torn to choose between the wants and the needs. Ironically, the things you want will overrule everything you need. Very little fact that we will be granted both. You have to choose, and to choose is indeed the most excruciating task.

Between everything i want and anything i need, i will just have to choose.

And i choose His choice, and i am contented.

I know i will.

end is only the beginning

Breath. Trust. Let go.

And see what happens.

...

It breaks. Into pieces. And I have no courage to pick it up anymore.

This is it..