Thursday, September 30, 2004

what i feel like doing

thes few things i really feel like doing at the moment n that wud include having big bucks of money to make all of thos happens.:)

1) having manicure n pedicure done.uhh..ppl complementing ur hands while u doozing away?what an idea.

2)spa treatment.ah ah ah!!!!

3)buying that cow pillows.all that comfy set of black n white pillows incarnating a figurine of a cow.:)

4)meeting my mum in kuantan.her bus will be leaving at 12.30.even my speedometer shows 120, it still wudnt be enuff time to reach her at the hotel.

5)sleep!so damn sleepy albeit getting early sleep lastnite

the lost.

in life, there would be few different questions that left with no answer, no matter how you try hard to figure it out.i always ask myself what make ppl change in a blink of an eye.would that because of their own surrounding?their own conundrum?or was that because of me?
im not pretty sure when our pace of friendship starts to turn out being unpleasantly cold.true, we do have our ups n downs within the lengthy 15 years of our friendship, but i never could figure out that one day she's going to be far far away, out of my reach.not wiv me anymore.she's getting own, bestfriend is getting married n that does not make me the selfish im not jealous of her own happines n blissfully contented soon to be matrimonial not even at once just that from the feeling of insecurity, lost n unaccompanied of a good female fren like her.
we had gotten ourself into one huge fight before she announcing that she gonna afterall be happily ever after.cudnt really remember what was the fight about, but one thing im so damn sure about is the discontented feeling of gettin into a cold fight wit ur goodmate.n one afternoon, after a month of silence words, she phoned n asked me to come back for that simply reason..'im goin to be attached n i want u to be here'.out of any reaction, i gave her the warmest smile even i knew she wudnt see me from afar nor that she really care about me being happy for her.and starting from the moment, loneliness n pain of losing ur mate starting to chase the starting to capture horrendous images in one to talk to, no one to cry with, no more.and i have to accept the fact that her man is her everything from now on.
she's gonna get married on this coming raya.n im gonna left with no good female company as life goes by.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Happy besday Mojuu~~

just wanna wish one of my friend a very happy birthday..had trouble finding her a present n later got to fiddle wiv wrapping thing!made a big bow out of the red ribbon n place it on top of the present..hahah..just to make it devilishly pretty.a year older, but what's wit the age?
happy birthday tho!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

and the truth is pain..

i always have the respect to people who can control their life, and this includes their love life.i had an argument wit my bf last few days.the subjects we both picked for the fight varied.the first one is about the intensity of him wanting to know bout my pastlife, n when i did not really want to share my past, he was kinda mad.hun, it's not that i dun want to include u in my so called history of my previous boyfriends, but i dun want to hurt ur feeling.not lil bit.i wud have u in my present life, not in my past.and i dun even keep the hatred.i let go the past in order to get the get u.please please dun ever ask me bout em again.i have my reason not to spill it, was yesterday.i said i didnt want to ride the bike wiv him.i wont do things that please ppl but not's not im being braggish n bigheaded, but again, i have the reason not to do so.why cant u accept my reason?sorry if i ever heard u so so sory.

Monday, September 20, 2004

the job

started the day wiv kinda stiff feeling.see..ther gotta be an observation from bmkpm (matriculatation division)n god knows how i hate seeing ppl observing's not that im a full of jitters, but when u hav thes pair of eyes (or worst, cud be more), looking u doin what u normally do in class (by which, making sinister remarks to students), darn it isnt an ease at all.
During my practicum time, my supervisor, Dr Mahmud came at the wrong time and at the very wrong place.he went observing me in the class which is situated next to the field, which was having a sport n tournament week at that time.just imagine the wreck im about to hav wit all thos noises outside.but i managed to pull myself our from that messy situation. i even got a good praise coming from a lecturer who never smiles n always points out ur tiniest mistake n flaws.
According to mama, i got her talent to practically carry out lessen (maybe she just saying it out just to make me feel glad i am a teacher, just like her.god knows how bad i tried to plead her to accept my dream of becoming a designer..once).i guess i do hav the traits, n shud be lucky.but still, scrutinizing my work n criticizing my job..?
gosh..tuesday in hellday.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

the thursday

lookin good in red kebaya (thats what i tink..yeah goddam i hav higher self-esteem these few days, n that explain why i got into so many fights wit my baby-he's down to earth n im big headed), but heck, caught a dry-throat fever just after thos 2 early classes. been swallowing few swig of mineral water, but havent recovered nother 2 classes afta this, n one of it got that stupid rude escaping since i adore the rest.shees!feel like 'ponteng'ing the me!

the love..

this excerpt is taken from my dear student (guess she wants me to read n to share)

The Meaning of Love
When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure. But when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher.
In the game of love, it doesn't really matter who won or who lost. What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go ! You know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you're not part of it. Everything happens for the best.
If the person you love doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try. You'll never love a person you love unless you risk for love.Love strives is hurting. If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt at all the time. Though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow. Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall.
You can not finish the book without closing it's chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go.
We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us evenmore than we can love ourselves. On falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get back on the horse. But don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.To love is to risk rejections, to love is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risk nothing !
To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose true love ; fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and ever be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain.Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful image into the soul that always last for a lifetime. Love supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It sould inspire you and give you joy can also hurt you in the end.Loving people many giving them the freedom who they choose to be and where they choose to be.
For all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you should give thanks, for you know, that there were the things that helped you grow. Loving someone means giving him or her the freedom to find his or her way, whether it leads towards you or away from you.Love is painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then you'll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love. Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why.If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk, if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love.
There was a time in our lives when we became afraid to fall in love coz every time we do, we get hurt, then I figure that's why it's called falling in love.
When you decide to love, allow it to grow. When you promise to love, refuse to let it die

now, it's givin me headache just to read and understand all this.but hell in love

Monday, September 13, 2004

the hot warm shed

it's been a while since i last shed thos tears, i guess..really been a while.Why would i wanna bring the subject of giving out shed, more like exposing wound of oneself?because i want to know when was the last time my bf cried.And yup, he did cry because of women as well.A trait that im looking forward in guys, the innate ability to admit they are weak species, afterall.Well, im not goin to focus on that weakness, nor that im sayin kudos to my baby for making me proud. I want to express wut my tears are for..
1) my parents: basically becoz im the first daughter, i hav this stupid sense saying that my parents love my sis n bro more than what they shud have for me. crazy thoughts, but i tink it always happen to immature teenagers who have younger brother n sisters.

2) my sister: this is what i called a sisterly crisis. When you are younger, you are gonna be jealous of ur sister coz she got more clothes than u did, n ur parents brought xtra fancy clothes for raya.When we got older, ther is one evil feeling involved when it comes to boyfriend n partner stuff. Guess sisterly crisis will always behaunt me till, maybe we got married.The jealousy that actually got us closer.

3) my guys: they are not actually my guys. duhhh..feel like a rotten kid already. Thats what ive been telling my bf, that i was crushed couple of time, n i used to shed my tears for thos useless, pointless time of my life. i shudnt hav cried.i shudnt hav lost thos tiny droppy hot warm water for sum stupid broken hopes.

4) my angah: may her soul rest in peace. She's the one i cry a lot these days. I miss her more than i miss anyone else in this world. Im proud of u eventho u lost in the fight of cancer.


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

how many times would be 'the time?'

i started being in luv since i was 18, n immaturity taught me to treat relationship n men as two dysfunctional related specimen.never been that serious, but hell yeah, used to love, broken hearted, mended, restart and so it could i be serious?i never could.n then i met him.n still meeting.and why am i definitely so sure this going to be 'the time'?do i follow my guts right?would i be wrong for nother time?cudnt answer that coz it lies on how well i manoeuvred my love life.wud i be pathetic partner again?wish i would never hav to be in that room again.the room of's never been the right place to the southern guy, im sure this would be the choice i choose.luv ya.

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just a normal average jane who loves to sleep n write whatever comes across her mind.

of the gibberish ramblings and the thoughtless thought