Saturday, December 11, 2004

pieces of me

im missin him bad.dunno what's get into the mind lately.we gotten ourselves into messes, picking up fightin when there are chances,gruelling to each others' gut on the unspoken words.but right now, at the moment, this instance, i wish he would be here, just be here n talk.guess the weather made me feel a bit under,wiv the rainin, the dampness, the bleak,freezin days.maybe that, make me missed him even more.
i know i havent been a good gf as i wished to.being alive without relationship is sad, but being wiv sumone who loves u but u cudnt figure out why u cant be dutiful to his wishes is even sadder.i never be in the relationship this long, n what makes the relationship stays so far may lie on the fact that he's keen enuff to take care of lil me.lil defiant courtesy of miss lyn's attitude.
i try to act as i supposed to be,maturely.i am whisked by his thought, his wariness n obviously, his affection.i love just that it is sumhow seemed difficult to throw the bizzare attitude of mine.
i guess sumday the realization will beam on me.that i have found the one.
i love u

Thursday, November 04, 2004

dun want to talk bout it!

how many more days to raya?dun ask me..i have lost counted the days because ive been daydreaming too much on baju raya, but i really dun do counting these days.just wondering endlessly why cant my college prolong the holidays, so i dun have to give a fuss about this one stupid issue.going back home! driving home for raya this weekend, but the problem arise when this friend of mine take back her promise of going back home tgether.she was giving me the promise that we will both take the wheels, but it turns out that im going home this pissing me off.people who cant keep up the promise they make.arghh!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


our beloved cat has found dead.alfatihah.that was the msg that made me cried almost every single mins last send us msg, me ina n wen, knowing tat we ought to know bout nen's wherebouts.true, i cudnt stop cryin afta that even the fact that nen was only a lil cat that we kept at cud i not?ina n me were the ones who brought him home, we found him, when he was just a stray cat.i cud still remember when we first brought him to the car, he was standing still infront the mirror, watching the windshields.watching the rain poured down. gosh..he was damn adorable.(please please dun let me drop any single tears now).
my dad was not really into cat liking, but wiv nen, he changed totally, n he was the one who brought up fish n boiled it and he was the one who fed could we not love nen?he was so so manja,lil species yg realy realy adorable.believe me.
ther was a time when he was suspected poisoned.we rushed him to the clinic, me n my dad.never in my life i would think dad, whose the one who always chased cats who ruined our ceiling, would be the one who carried the critical nen inside the doc was so unbelievable.
now, it is believable.i would never get a nice cat like nen.ever.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

ex and the city.

i was being a couch potato yesterday n intended to watch sex n the city dvd, and a tis one subtitle really caught me n i spent another 30 mins,watching n trying to digest the issue in mind.the topic..ex and the city.can u ever be friends with ur ex?can u ever face ur ex and act like nuthin happens before n things shud be goin on naturally?
for both questions..i would answer yes, despite the look that my baby might give me.i mean..befriending ex is much more easy than trying to create a new one.(huny, when u read this, i dun mean to include u in the just trying to be frank n openminded.hope u dun mind kay.luv ya).how many of us really waiting for the ex to come n start afresh?im not waiting for them to come, but i would definitely not going to irk if they extended the hands n make not that cruel.i see being with them as an experience in life.experience for the maturity growth.i never put a hatred, not even a grudge. i see the flakes in relationship as normality of relationship that cannot go anywhere.a blunder.sth that is passable n healed as time goes by.
but can my x survive me n accept me as the friend?i dunno.i cant prejudge myself.some of them did create another bond of friendship, n not ashamed of past mistakes, n sum..cant even think of where they are previous one, despite abashing me wit crude n disgusted remarks just because i said no to the relationship, at last try to mend things up, n stay as a friend.n we are kewl that way i guess.and he was ok when i said im meeting n seeing sumone n madly in love these days.
being in a friendship with an ex is the most bravest thing ive ever done.

Happy besday Acix!~~

she is turning 24 tday..and she looked esctatic enuff unwrapping all the gifts infront of us.she got quite a few number of pink stuff up to her liking.there was a frame, a jewelry box, a cuddly piggy toy (she really got this penchant of pink n pigs!), n ta daaa...the pink embedded mirror me n zaire found in lovely lace.
hepy birthday zarina..many happy returns to u!tanjobi omedeto gozaimasu!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

and the weekend goes by..

saturday 2 last, afta a tremendous, meticulously planned date wiv my baby, we did go to genting, after all.i can feel his spirit of spending time wiv me, and was i touched by the thought of him coming over to kuantan just for the matter tat he wanted to accompany me driving to genting.:).
we started late on tat morning.thought of going at 7, but i was only finishing up dressing at 8.blame me not!i was like.. staying up all nite just to cook him n me sum food to be taken to genting (he was complaining the food was exorbitant up ther..ha ha..huney, i knew u just wanted me to cook).so being a good gf i am, i managed to screw up the kitchen n walla...the macaroni n tuna least it looked edible enuff n looked good in the tupperwares.ive been waiting for a long time to cook him sum, guess i managed to pull it out sumhow.:) and wiv the heart soared of blithe n giddiness, it was the moment we've been waiting for.
up in genting, everything was heaven.the rollercoaster (n i was still amazed of the voice he shrieked), the merry go round (still cudnt believe i let myself having the 'ever-so-cool ride'),the laughs, the jitters, the messy ice cream eating, i can still picture tat clearly.sorry i was not being descriptive enuff coz i believe good things are better left unsaid.and being wiv him, is a part of good things that happen to me lately.i want to write more, to be more passionate about the rides, but i know he knows that we both know the things we know.thank u baby, for the enticing moment we both had. and im counting on bali...:)

Thursday, September 30, 2004

what i feel like doing

thes few things i really feel like doing at the moment n that wud include having big bucks of money to make all of thos happens.:)

1) having manicure n pedicure done.uhh..ppl complementing ur hands while u doozing away?what an idea.

2)spa treatment.ah ah ah!!!!

3)buying that cow pillows.all that comfy set of black n white pillows incarnating a figurine of a cow.:)

4)meeting my mum in kuantan.her bus will be leaving at 12.30.even my speedometer shows 120, it still wudnt be enuff time to reach her at the hotel.

5)sleep!so damn sleepy albeit getting early sleep lastnite

the lost.

in life, there would be few different questions that left with no answer, no matter how you try hard to figure it out.i always ask myself what make ppl change in a blink of an eye.would that because of their own surrounding?their own conundrum?or was that because of me?
im not pretty sure when our pace of friendship starts to turn out being unpleasantly cold.true, we do have our ups n downs within the lengthy 15 years of our friendship, but i never could figure out that one day she's going to be far far away, out of my reach.not wiv me anymore.she's getting own, bestfriend is getting married n that does not make me the selfish im not jealous of her own happines n blissfully contented soon to be matrimonial not even at once just that from the feeling of insecurity, lost n unaccompanied of a good female fren like her.
we had gotten ourself into one huge fight before she announcing that she gonna afterall be happily ever after.cudnt really remember what was the fight about, but one thing im so damn sure about is the discontented feeling of gettin into a cold fight wit ur goodmate.n one afternoon, after a month of silence words, she phoned n asked me to come back for that simply reason..'im goin to be attached n i want u to be here'.out of any reaction, i gave her the warmest smile even i knew she wudnt see me from afar nor that she really care about me being happy for her.and starting from the moment, loneliness n pain of losing ur mate starting to chase the starting to capture horrendous images in one to talk to, no one to cry with, no more.and i have to accept the fact that her man is her everything from now on.
she's gonna get married on this coming raya.n im gonna left with no good female company as life goes by.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Happy besday Mojuu~~

just wanna wish one of my friend a very happy birthday..had trouble finding her a present n later got to fiddle wiv wrapping thing!made a big bow out of the red ribbon n place it on top of the present..hahah..just to make it devilishly pretty.a year older, but what's wit the age?
happy birthday tho!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

and the truth is pain..

i always have the respect to people who can control their life, and this includes their love life.i had an argument wit my bf last few days.the subjects we both picked for the fight varied.the first one is about the intensity of him wanting to know bout my pastlife, n when i did not really want to share my past, he was kinda mad.hun, it's not that i dun want to include u in my so called history of my previous boyfriends, but i dun want to hurt ur feeling.not lil bit.i wud have u in my present life, not in my past.and i dun even keep the hatred.i let go the past in order to get the get u.please please dun ever ask me bout em again.i have my reason not to spill it, was yesterday.i said i didnt want to ride the bike wiv him.i wont do things that please ppl but not's not im being braggish n bigheaded, but again, i have the reason not to do so.why cant u accept my reason?sorry if i ever heard u so so sory.

Monday, September 20, 2004

the job

started the day wiv kinda stiff feeling.see..ther gotta be an observation from bmkpm (matriculatation division)n god knows how i hate seeing ppl observing's not that im a full of jitters, but when u hav thes pair of eyes (or worst, cud be more), looking u doin what u normally do in class (by which, making sinister remarks to students), darn it isnt an ease at all.
During my practicum time, my supervisor, Dr Mahmud came at the wrong time and at the very wrong place.he went observing me in the class which is situated next to the field, which was having a sport n tournament week at that time.just imagine the wreck im about to hav wit all thos noises outside.but i managed to pull myself our from that messy situation. i even got a good praise coming from a lecturer who never smiles n always points out ur tiniest mistake n flaws.
According to mama, i got her talent to practically carry out lessen (maybe she just saying it out just to make me feel glad i am a teacher, just like her.god knows how bad i tried to plead her to accept my dream of becoming a designer..once).i guess i do hav the traits, n shud be lucky.but still, scrutinizing my work n criticizing my job..?
gosh..tuesday in hellday.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

the thursday

lookin good in red kebaya (thats what i tink..yeah goddam i hav higher self-esteem these few days, n that explain why i got into so many fights wit my baby-he's down to earth n im big headed), but heck, caught a dry-throat fever just after thos 2 early classes. been swallowing few swig of mineral water, but havent recovered nother 2 classes afta this, n one of it got that stupid rude escaping since i adore the rest.shees!feel like 'ponteng'ing the me!

the love..

this excerpt is taken from my dear student (guess she wants me to read n to share)

The Meaning of Love
When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure. But when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher.
In the game of love, it doesn't really matter who won or who lost. What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go ! You know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means that you're not part of it. Everything happens for the best.
If the person you love doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try. You'll never love a person you love unless you risk for love.Love strives is hurting. If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt at all the time. Though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow. Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall.
You can not finish the book without closing it's chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go.
We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us evenmore than we can love ourselves. On falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get back on the horse. But don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.To love is to risk rejections, to love is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risk nothing !
To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose true love ; fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and ever be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain.Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful image into the soul that always last for a lifetime. Love supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It sould inspire you and give you joy can also hurt you in the end.Loving people many giving them the freedom who they choose to be and where they choose to be.
For all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you should give thanks, for you know, that there were the things that helped you grow. Loving someone means giving him or her the freedom to find his or her way, whether it leads towards you or away from you.Love is painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then you'll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love. Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why.If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk, if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love.
There was a time in our lives when we became afraid to fall in love coz every time we do, we get hurt, then I figure that's why it's called falling in love.
When you decide to love, allow it to grow. When you promise to love, refuse to let it die

now, it's givin me headache just to read and understand all this.but hell in love

Monday, September 13, 2004

the hot warm shed

it's been a while since i last shed thos tears, i guess..really been a while.Why would i wanna bring the subject of giving out shed, more like exposing wound of oneself?because i want to know when was the last time my bf cried.And yup, he did cry because of women as well.A trait that im looking forward in guys, the innate ability to admit they are weak species, afterall.Well, im not goin to focus on that weakness, nor that im sayin kudos to my baby for making me proud. I want to express wut my tears are for..
1) my parents: basically becoz im the first daughter, i hav this stupid sense saying that my parents love my sis n bro more than what they shud have for me. crazy thoughts, but i tink it always happen to immature teenagers who have younger brother n sisters.

2) my sister: this is what i called a sisterly crisis. When you are younger, you are gonna be jealous of ur sister coz she got more clothes than u did, n ur parents brought xtra fancy clothes for raya.When we got older, ther is one evil feeling involved when it comes to boyfriend n partner stuff. Guess sisterly crisis will always behaunt me till, maybe we got married.The jealousy that actually got us closer.

3) my guys: they are not actually my guys. duhhh..feel like a rotten kid already. Thats what ive been telling my bf, that i was crushed couple of time, n i used to shed my tears for thos useless, pointless time of my life. i shudnt hav cried.i shudnt hav lost thos tiny droppy hot warm water for sum stupid broken hopes.

4) my angah: may her soul rest in peace. She's the one i cry a lot these days. I miss her more than i miss anyone else in this world. Im proud of u eventho u lost in the fight of cancer.


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

how many times would be 'the time?'

i started being in luv since i was 18, n immaturity taught me to treat relationship n men as two dysfunctional related specimen.never been that serious, but hell yeah, used to love, broken hearted, mended, restart and so it could i be serious?i never could.n then i met him.n still meeting.and why am i definitely so sure this going to be 'the time'?do i follow my guts right?would i be wrong for nother time?cudnt answer that coz it lies on how well i manoeuvred my love life.wud i be pathetic partner again?wish i would never hav to be in that room again.the room of's never been the right place to the southern guy, im sure this would be the choice i choose.luv ya.

Monday, August 30, 2004


i hate this running mukus from my nose..try to spread the virus around, n not even bother to shoo people away.come to mama..hahah!


Thursday, August 26, 2004

those dearest things..

i love...

drinking nescafe o ais early in the morning.It is morning has officially begun

applying lipstick in the moving car, and so does on powder.the only skill of 'womenhood' which i mastered so much.and yes, we women are good in that, aiming the glossy red paint on lips, not the teeth.

looking at my curly wavy hair when it is wet. (wonder why it is shamelessly turned out to be like a cocoon once it dries away) .duhh..i always opt for a silky, straight, shinier than thou hair.

making my bf mad of the endless stupid questions like..well forget it.It is supposed to be stupid ' matter how many times he says he IS not mad. (duhlinkk, im damn sure ur ready to explode.cud read ur mind perfectly...:)

reading ol letters..the concoction of love letters (which simultaneously explains how many relationships were destroyed), the zany, backbiting..spiteful letters (yeah, we passed the letters around in class, mengutuk member member), the formal 'invitation' to escape classes (esp when it concerned add math as the next subject), n not mistakenly, the pre-break-up letters.touche'

snooping on gossips.The real,juicy gossips...of you.

rambbling gibberish myths on this so called blog of mine

drooling on the nice supersexy tops that i know i wont wear. (i cudnt.excess baggage.bummer!!)

smellin of rain.especially at dawn, complies wit azan subuh.Heaven..

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

if brain could talk

ok, who said being a lecturer is one great helluva fun?well, it's not..especially if u have to sit back n listen to this kids babbling, rambling bout nuthin but few stupid fillers.I would suggestedly say no to english speaking muet, but that would make my students even numb than ever.Im not goin to have a few stonehedges sitting infront of me, staring back with their open wide eyes, and smiling sheepishly like im being ther is solely to watch them say nuthin.C'mon people..this is speaking paper, and you should atleast make some kinda utterances.Don't know what else to say to these kids.They don't even have the guts to try it out.What they have to say is..'miss,i don't have any ideas'.goshhhhhh..i feel like banging my head n let my brain spilled so they cud trace it n 'sert that to their particularly mad mad mad.
Feel like cursing but that would make me the worst one.oh sheeshhh...


the attempted writer

At last!i have been waiting for a while to jot down few anecdotes of what i feel to write, thus this would be one crash urgency, to see how able am i to cram every single thoughts into one short blog.So mind me if im rambling nowhere, writing rubbish and even maybe doddling few stupid stories just to make myself feel better.Yeah then, who cares?


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just a normal average jane who loves to sleep n write whatever comes across her mind.

of the gibberish ramblings and the thoughtless thought