Beli dan boleh belah.

Sometimes kan... waktu mind separa hibernate, I have this sort of thought crossing.

Why am I so stingy with my own needs? Why do I have to think more than twice to click on the check-out button online? Kenapa tak boleh pejam mata je and just buy things I desired? Not just things, but thing. Yang ribu ribu lemon price tagnya. I am being stingy to nobody but myself. Bila dah takde duit, baru nak stat drama awatla aku tak beli je yang itu, yang ini. Truthfully, bila ada duit, jadi kedekut dan layak jadi bini Haji Bakhil.

I am hereby declaring I am indeed a stingy woman. But only to myself. And I have to decline any accusation that I am pemboros. Boros beli apa? Come over and check my wardrobe. You will not find any high end labels. Okay tipu ada. Tapi masa tu definitely my mind wasn't being its calculative state. And it was once in a blue moon, swear. The rest, takde pun nak shopping menggilapiggies. Which is why I despise whoever accusing me of being a shopping addict. I buy what is good but cheap. Cheapskate ha ha. I am so liking this colorful skinny pants at Aten's place (deret kedai ang moh saje ok) which cost me no less than RM40. Cheapo but if it looks good on me and does not make my drumstick any more visible, why would I buy the same thing at Zara for triple of its cost?

So when "meeting' a person who don high end brand from head to toe ( Gucci, Ferragamo dan sekerabat) I was somehow feel minuscule. Was. Because that was what I felt during the early month. And his remark did not help either. During our many many talk and shop-hopping, I pointed out to shops I want to get in, saying oh this is what I wear to work, that is my favorite brands, oh my this is sooooo cheap (cheap is my thang). And his casual remark were it is easy pleasing you and senang je jaga you, right?

Yeahhhhh right. Was he being cynical or was he in awe? I do not know. Most probably he knows I am an easy shopper and will not pay for exorbitant ridiculous price. Which is a good criteria for a wife candidate right? wahahah (gelak tak berlagu). Or he might have this thought of oh kesiannya tak mampu nak beli yang mahal, ini je dia mampu. Pity sobs (nangis tak berlagu)

The truth is, I am not stingy to myself. I do buy good stuffs. But the more urges I have to buy these good stuffs, my naluri never do kind to me. Selalu fikir, this money that will come out macam air, ada gunanya nanti waktu emergency. You do not know when is emergency. What if you splurge now and you need the money 10 minutes afterwards and your banking account is already swiped clean. Tak ke haru? Do people know how I hate battling with myself everytime I want to shop? Sepuluh kali pi mai pi mai kedai belinya belum tentu. Hari hari bukak site yang sama ordernya tak jugak. Meleleh air liur je sampai sudah. And what if my siblings need money and my parents need help? I want to be ready to help.

Anak sulung katakan. Tanggungjawab mau la extra. To give an answer of tidak ada duit adalah sangat sedehhh ok. Baik angkat sumpah jadi anak bongsu. Tu pun kalau layak haha. And so.. if I do buy stuff yang harga nya bisa kasi kering darah putih, percayalah that I want it so badly and I let my urge win. So badly that I could be dreaming about it. Bak kata orang tidur tak lena, mandi tak basah, makan tak kenyang dan yak yak tak lawas

Walaupun sebenarnya selepas itu tidak lah juga aku tidor puas kerana berpikiran tentang uwang yang mengalir pergi. Gawattttt!!

baby step

klik klik klik. numb. continued clicking klik klik klik. Erased.

That is how it goes since the last few months. I started pouring words, then hesitated in the middle, shrugged and deleted everything at once. Sometimes it was just a word or two, but I couldn't keep it up, could not muster up spirit to finish it. This is by far, the longest I let this blog menyedut debu and habuk (minus the time when amnesia hit me and I forgot the password of my own blog. Dang!). Sungguh la malas tak bertepi nak mengupdate anything seriously. But I got tonnes of stories, bermacam macam cerita. Dari cerita manis bersari sampai busuk macam poo poo. It just that when I started the first few words, mind started weighing the pro n cons. Should I? Should I not? Would this be too embarrassing to be converted into words? What would people think when they read that?

 Too many of shoulds and shouldn'ts make Jane a lazy woman.

And not helping the fact that I lose every single pictures I ever had in the blog. It might have been stashed away somewhere , but I am IT blind. Accidentally erased the Google + pictures in my Samsung and all pictures gone. Gone!!. Penat dah dok belek all the labels in case I have wrongly saved it somewhere but it was up to no good. Pasrah sajalah then. Gatal sangat tangan erase sana erase sini. Come to think of it, maybe I should have binned some of the pictures in the blog long time ago. No purpose of keeping memories yang separa taik sesetengahnye tu. But I didn't keep the pixies for memory, I was too lazy to spring clean the old entries.

And here, when half of my colleagues are having their day off, and only few heads being seen bobbing from the cubicles, I gather my energy, spirit, excitement and skill, to finish this very entry.

I shall stop now before I press that backspace button . Again.